The Academy of Crazy/Creepy Uncles

Teacher: Ok class, today we’re going to cover familyfunctions. This is probably the Super Bowl of inappropriate behavior for crazy andcreepy uncles, so make sure to bring your “A-game.” Reese, what’s the firstthing you do when arriving at the function?

Uncle Reese: Loudly exclaim, “The party has arrived!” thenbeeline to the nearest source of alcohol.

Teacher: Fantastic! Class, note that Troy points out two keyelements to being a crazy uncle. Be loud and the center of attention at alltimes, and never…EVER do anything sober. Keith, you run into the brother-in-lawof your baby sister, what do you do?

Uncle Keith: Shake his hand and then call him “a gay” for havinga weak grip?

Teacher: Good, good. Any other ideas?

Uncle Steve: Tell him that my kids are superior to his kidsin athletics?

Teacher: In some cases that may be, but let’s try andremember Crazy Uncle Commandment Six: “A rotating door of unbearablegirlfriends is essential, but kids lead to less craziness and more maturity.”

Uncle Troy: What if we only have sister-in-laws?

Teacher: Good question. My suggestion would be a heavy doseof undressing with the eyes followed by delicate sprinkles of sexual innuendo thatbecome more explicit throughout the evening. Now, time to talk to the niecesand nephews. Joe, your nephew tells you that he is 11 years old, how do yourespond?

Uncle Joe: Pull my finger?

Teacher: Joe, Joe, Joe! What are we, amateurs? Steve, howshould Joe respond?

Uncle Steve: I was 11 once. Best three years of my life!

Uncle Reese: Shouldn’t that joke pertain to a nephew’s gradein school and not their age?

Teacher: True, but remember Commandment Eight…

All: “Metaphors and Jokes are meant to be misquoted andmisused.“¼/span>

š Teacher: Richard, what would you say?

Uncle Richard: I’d tell him that he’s in his prime now andshould be working on making “the beast with two backs” with the females. I’dthen make sure to tell him, “Unless you want a fetus, put a condom on your penis.”

Teacher: Very good. Inappropriate sex talk is one of thegreatest tools in an uncle’s arsenal. Jailbait alert, Reese! Your fullydeveloped 16-year-old niece and her friend are talking about the matchingtattoos they got on their inner thighs, what do you do?

Uncle Reese: Um…. Uhh… Um…..

Teacher: Errrrr! Remember, Reese, we want our behavior to beawkward and unsettling, not our pauses. Richard?

Uncle Richard: Drunkenly yell “Prove It!!!” then hunt for her Spring Break pictures while pretending to use the upstairs bathroom.

Teacher: Excellent, Richard! You know your stuff!

Uncle Richard: I have the restraining order to prove it!

All: Ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!