So You've Graduated College!

One day, as horrifying as it may seem, you will have to leave college. No more waking up at 3:29 in the afternoon and then rushing out to show up late and still drunk to your 3:30 class. It’s time to make something of yourself. What will YOU become when you leave that beer-soaked wonderland and enter that beer-soaked real world?

The Soul-Crushing Cubicle Dweller: I sure do love the mind-numbing monotony of typing things into Excel all day long in my gray cubicle! It’s great, because I can pretend to be John Locke working at a box company, and then hopefully I’ll get in a plane crash too! That way, I can either die or live on a deserted island. Either option is better than this.

The Hometown Mooch: I’m just gonna move back with the ‘rents for a little while. I’m pretty burned out from taking 12 credit hours a semester and almost getting that Communications degree before I got kicked out for dealing pot to some 12 year-old in a playground. Whatevs, I finished up a community college, but I switched to TV/VCR repair. I’ll just stay here ‘til I can get on my own feet, or when the ‘rents finally die in 20 years. ‘Til then, I’ll work at the local Denny’s with a bunch of high school kids, and talk about how much I would drink at college and how awesome I was. Then I’ll try to hit on the sorta-hot high school sophomore chick, but get turned down and then break into my dad’s liquor cabinet later that night.

The Dreamer In the Big City: I’m making my dreams happen, man. You can go to your 9-to-5 job and make your $50,000 a year and enjoy your health insurance…and always wonder “what if?”…but not me! I’ve got a rathole apartment in the most dangerous and Hep-C infected part of this city and working two jobs to make ends meet, but I’m also following my dream of being an actor/singer/dancer/artist/writer/celebrity stalker. I’m not doing this to be famous, I’m doing it ‘cuz this is my passion. I’m following my dreams, and they may be leading me to financial ruination and constant rejection, but at least I have a dream. Then again, maybe I should have followed that dream I had once where I didn’t wake up with a family of cockroaches nesting in my nostrils.

The Graduate School Goer: A Bachelor’s degree? Pssh. Bachelor’s degrees are for serfs and troglodytes. I’m going to med school/law school/graduate school, because I want to make something of myself, unlike the rest of you lesser creatures. In another 7 years or so, I’ll be graduating again, but this time I’ll have a lot more silly things on my gown, like a well-decorated Boy Scout. I’ll be hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt, too old to enjoy my youth, unhappily married to one of my fellow graduate students, and in the possession of one more piece of paper with my name and a college on it. Ha! Then I can slowly start repaying my massive debt while I wonder why I wasted all of those years while I could have been out in the real world living life and drinking the demons away. The rest of you are suckers.

The Guy With Relatives In High Places: Yeah, I got this position right out of college. Usually they only give it to people who’ve been in the industry for at least 5 years, but my dad is the VP of something or other, so he got me an in. I mostly sleep at my desk, e-mail my college buds about how sweet my job is, enjoy the privacy of having my own office, get wildly overpaid for what little service and knowledge I bring to the table, and get ostracized by the rest of the employees here, who actually have to do real work. Whateva. They should’ve been smart enough to have their dads get them sweet jobs like this at whatever company their dad is a VP at. I mean, seriously, it totally worked for me.