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Streeter Seidell

Coffee Hits My Stomach

by Streeter Seidell on

Stomach: OK, let’s get some enzymes on that bread he ate last night.  We should really start breaking it down.  
Enzymes: Do we have to?
Stomach: Welllllll, I guess not.  Maybe we can wait till after he eats lunch.  I’m pretty tired.
Enzymes: Us too.  We were up late working on those Buffalo wings from two nights ago and….
Coffee: OH YEAH, MOTHERF*CKERS!
Stomach: What the…
Coffee: ARE WE READY TO DIGEST SOME FOOD!?!?!?!
Enzymes: We were going to wait till…
Coffee: SUCK IT UP!!!!! LET’S GET THIS PARTY STARTED!
Stomach: You’re hurting me!
Coffee: SHUT IT, PUSSY!  NOW GET THIS MOTHERF*CKING FOOD OUT-A-HERE!
Enzymes: It’s not all digested yet.  If we send it out it could rupture something.
Coffee: Do you hear that?
Stomach: Hear what?
Coffee: WEAKNESS!
Enzymes: That’s not fair!  We work down here all day and all night digesting this stuff.  It’s hard work, coffee.  It takes time.
Coffee: BULLSH*T!  I can do your whole workload in one minute!
Stomach: Yeah right.
Coffee: WATCH ME, SUCKAS!

Me: Ooh, I’ll be right back honey.  I have to, uh, take a shower. 

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Streeter Seidell

Streeter Seidell

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Hail "Thatan"

To My Dear Roommate: I'm sorry if I made you fear for your life. I'm not a Satanist. I just wanted you to GTFO for a few days so I could move out in peace. Since you (among all your other "charming" qualities) always taunted me mercilessly about my speech impediment and I know you love doing your Helen Keller impressions for the hearing-impaired girl across the... Read More » hall, I just didn't want you bullying my deaf father while he helped me move my fridge out from underneath your garbage. I probably went to far with the altar and the upside-down cross, but I didn't see your ugly mug again until I was comfortably situated in my new room. Admittedly, I felt a little guilty when you handed me a "Have You Let Christ into Your Heart?" pamphlet a week later. Thorry about that, thister.