MY ATTEMPTS AT WRITING FOR THE ONION

JOSH SORELL WOULD BE “ONION” ARTICLES
    AREA MAN SUDDENLY SURPRISED: (BUMBLEFUCK WI)
In a recent turn of events at a local office, employee Doug G Hankercherson got up from his chair, seemingly to take an early coffee break, when he took one step with his right foot (which was different than his usual left footed behavior) and stated “YAAAAAAAA!” In a loud voice. Despite bringing surprise to his workplace it seems that Hankercheron was apparently, surprised.
    “This sort of thing never happened before” stated fellow co-workers Janet P Tytof. “He always seemed to be such a stiffly good worker. To think that he could experience differentiation in his being…It’s shocking frankly.*”
    This did not end the episode, as Hankercherson, seemingly unaware that he was surprised, tried to play it off, as though it were normal. He went to the coffee room, checked his watch, comparing it to the clock, as usual and then repeated his earlier state of “YAAAAAAAA!” Still stumbling with this new sensation he slowly perused the premises of his office, trying to mix normal behavior with this new discovery. According to George S Dikes, a co-worker/ employee/ person of work/ “bee-man,” Hankercherson came up to him at a water cooler, seemingly to indulge in usual bland, disgustingly dry “water cooler talk.” However Hankercherson started the conversation by saying
    “George…AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HOLY SHIT!” and then walked away at a brisk pace. He then walked out of the office and into the street. Authorities have yet to find him.
    
    (*To find out that she was shocked, Ms Tytof then experienced surprise, went into shock, cardiac arrest and then a coma.)

    Recent updates on the Hankercherson case: It seems local employee wandered into a nearby forest where policemen followed him. Continuing the chase the newly-surprised man continued to run into the forest but was so surprised that he forgot that he was a relatively heavy man and could not run that fast. He then vomited. This caused him to give in to an even greater feeling of surprise and he continued his run through the woods.

INANE THINGS PONDERED OVER:

    NO ONE KNOWS WHAT IS HAPPENING:

    SIMPLE THING CAUSES MAN TO DIE LAUGHING:

    SPELING ERORS LED TWO FETAL MISCAKES

    OH MY GOD! WHAT IS THAT?:

    WOMEN RIGHTS GROUP COMPLAINS THAT HOLLYWOOD WON’T ALLOW FEMALE ˜ACTORS;’ APPARENTLY UNAWARE OF EXISTENCE OF ˜ACTRESSES.’

    TIJUANA POLICE CHIEF INVESTIGATES SELF:
    (Scorsese plans to do film adaptation of story)
http://edition.cnn.com/2008/WORLD/americas/07/07/mexico.tijuana.killings.ap/index.html

NEW BIOLOGICAL STUDY CONCLUDES; “GIRAFFES ARE WEIRD.”
    Think it about it. Giraffes…I mean they’re cute and all, but they’re just weird.

THIS IS NOT AN ARTICLE, YOU ONLY THINK IT IS.

NEWS ARTICLE RUN ING UT O LET…

PUBLIC FUNERAL HELD FOR ˜FUN.’
    New developments this week after it was release that Fun was in fact dead.

INGMAR BERGMAN’S STYLE OF PEOPLE TALKING IN HUSHED TONES MAKES ME REALLY HORNY “ A Review by Jack Handy

WAVE OF NARCOLEPSY HITS ……………………….