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Bevy M.

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1994

Mom: Steve, try on these Bugle Boy pants I bought you.

Me: OK.

Mom: The cuffs are stretchy so you don’t tear them when you play.

Me: I pooped in them already.

1996

Me: Fellas, the Big Dog is in da house! See, it says so on my shirt.

Lucas: We all have Big Dogs on our shirts. Mine is dressed like Darth Vader, but it says Bark Vader, ‘cause he’s a dog.

Me: Lucas, no one cares about your gay Darth Vader shirt.

Lucas: What does gay mean?

Me: I don’t know, Luc, probably has something to do with your mushroom cut.



1997

Me: MOM, MOM, MOM!

Mom: What, what, what?

Me: Will you take me to Kohl’s to buy these pants called JNCO’s? They’re only sixty dollars and you get twice as much fabric as normal jeans.

Mom: Sixty dollars? What’s wrong with the Lee Pipes I bought you?

Me: Think about the name, Mom. Pipes are for plumbers and Great-Grandpa Lou who has emphysema from them. Besides, Pipes are only forty dollars instead of sixty, so the other kids might think I’m gay.

Mom: You don’t know what gay means, do you?

Me: Poor?



1998

Lucas: Steve, why did you buy a shirt with Psyduck on it?
Me: Luc, you’re such an idiot. Don’t you pay attention in class? It’s irony, duh.

Lucas: What’s ironic about it?

Me: It’s like rain on your wedding day. A free ride when you’ve already paid.

Lucas: No, that’s Alanis Morissette.

Me: Is the answer “gay”?

Lucas: Nope.



2000

Big Brother: Are you cutting up Abercrombie bags and using them as book covers?

Me: Yup. It’s all part of the lifestyle—that, and black and white photos. Seriously, these clothes make me feel empowered and wealthy, like I could cleat a homeless kid in the throat with no consequence. I might even take up lacrosse.

Big Brother: That’s stupid.

Me: No it’s not. Want my extra puka shells to make a necklace?

Big Brother: Absolutely not.

Me: Whatever, you’re gay.



2008

Me: Wow, Luc, check out all these great deals I found at the outlet mall. 40% off chinos at Banana Republic, half-off graphic tees at Guess, and 30% off leather vests at Christopher’s Sweaty Men in Chaps Emporium.

Lucas: You still don’t know what gay means, do you?

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Bevy M.

Bevy M.

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Plastic Joe

So my uncle steals credit cards. It's kind of his thing. They once called him 'Plastic Joe' on the news, which he wildly objected to, claiming that it made him sound "like a Goddamn vibrator!" Anyway, when I was 11, the cops were raiding our house, looking for evidence to incarcerate my dear, misguided uncle. The whole family is on the porch, and my lazy-eyed dog... Read More » will not stop barking at the asshole police. They tell us that we had better shut the dog up, because he does have the authority to shoot it. I'm thinking that if he even tries to shoot my dumbass mouth breather dog, I'll punch him in the tooth. A couple of minutes later, another officer comes out of the house, and slams down a comically large orange envelope on the table, and blank credit cards and credit card paraphernalia spill out everywhere. The officer has death in his eyes, and demands to know who the envelope belongs to. Nobody says anything. But then smart ass 11 year old me stands up, and says dramatically, "Officer. Those are obviously mine. I'm a mafia crime lord. They call me Plastic Joe." I extend my wrists for cuffs. "Be gentle." The shit hits the fan. The officers get furious, my grandma is trying to tell them I was obviously joking, my sister is calling me stupid, and my uncle is laughing his balls off. 11 year old girl: 1 Cops: 0 Well, I mean...my uncle did end up getting arrested. So...maybe it's a tie.