The Pros and Cons of Unicorn-Based Public Transportation

PRO: Everyone would get their own unicorn!

CON: Such a scenario is oppressively gay.

PRO: Gay is totally in right now.

CON: … Still, “unicorn gay” is pushing it.

PRO: Unicorn horns are magical and can neutralize nearly any poison!

CON: Poachers.

PRO: Unicorns are good and noble creatures.

CON: Feeling belittled by unicorn goodness and nobility each day on the way to work/school/rehab.

PRO: Most unicorns have coats of breathtakingly immaculate white.

CON: Sometimes, you’ll see a strong and influential black unicorn that scares all the white unicorns with what he might accomplish, but that’s a horse of a different color.

PRO: Unicorns are attracted to-and will defend-virgin women.

CON: Probable drastic increase in frat-on-unicorn violence.

PRO: Corn- and soybean-based fuels are good for the economy.

CON: Post-unicorn fuel byproducts bad for the air (and noses).

PRO: Might prey on pixies and sprites, reducing our current fairy infestation.

CON: Might also attract natural unicorn predators, such as lions, hippogriffs, and Tom Arnold.

PRO: Head-on collisions would become (more) morbidly fascinating.

CON: Threat of impalement slightly less comforting than threat of whiplash.

PRO: I could bounce joke ideas off the unicorns while in transit.

CON: I’d have to put up with a lot of neigh-saying.

PRO: It is very unlikely that your unicorn will be a registered sex offender.

CON: Still, there’s the chance (and that horn is none-too-gentle).

PRO: Unicorns will never make you wait while they go and get lit up behind the bus barn.

CON: Unicorns will never invite you to come and get lit up with them behind the bus barn.

PRO: No waiting at bus stops.

CON: There’s an actionable lack of wheelchair-accessible unicorns.

PRO: Endless opportunity for “guess who’s horny” jokes.

CON: This, too, might attract Tom Arnold.