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Andrew R. Juhl

23 Pick-Up Lines Gone Horribly Awry

by Andrew R. Juhl on

 

1. If I said you had a beautiful body, would you be terribly offended?

2. Let’s you and I make like a tree and branch the hell out of here.

3. You must be a parking ticket, because you’re something of a minor annoyance to me.

4. That top looks great on you, but it’d look even better in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor—for I, too, enjoy wearing women’s clothing.

5. Excuse me, may I borrow a quarter?  I need to call my mom and tell her I’m destitute.

6. Do you sleep on your stomach?  I’m just asking ‘cause I heard people can die of suffocation that way.

7. The word of the day is “legs.“  Now that you know, I humbly request that you begin informing the rest of the general public of the word of the day.

8. I’m currently fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight—mostly because it’s completely beyond my ability to do so.

9. Is it hot in here, or do you suffer from some weird glandular disorder?

10. If it’s true that we are what we eat, then I would like to perform cunnilingus on you later this evening.

11. If I could rearrange the alphabet… well, I wouldn’t.  Because then that song wouldn’t make sense anymore.

12. You must be tired.  (“Why?”)  Because you look like absolute shit.

13. I’ve lost my phone number.  Yeah, I’m mentally deficient.

14. Nice legs.  At what hour do you begin servicing men?

15. Heaven just called.  They seem to be missing an angel.  Did you eat it?

16. Got a little Irish in you?  (“No.”)  Really?  Because you look like an alcoholic.

17. Nice shoes.  Airwalks?

18. Did it hurt?  (“Did what hurt?”)  When you got hit in the face with… I’m guessing a shovel?

19. I think continuing to wear that shirt is a big mistake.  Can I talk you out of it?  I mean the act of wearing the shirt, not the shirt itself, of course.  I hardly know you, and that would be presumptuous.

20. Fat penguin! (“What?!”)  I just called you a fat penguin, tubby.

21. You show me yours, and… that’s it.  You show me yours.  C’mon.  Let’s see ‘em.

22. Do you believe in love at first sight, or are you just another disillusioned skank?

23. That shirt’s very becoming on you.  No, really: it looks excellent.  On an unrelated note, I’d like to ejaculate on your person.

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Andrew R. Juhl

Andrew R. Juhl

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Whiny inmate

I worked at a prison as a corrections officer (prison guard) and there was a particular inmate there who always complained about everything. For three months I endured his rants on how the lights were too bright, the rooms too hot, the blankets too scratchy, and so on. Obviously this is prison and no one gets luxury accommodations. I reached the end of my rope one morning... Read More » when I had to go down the run and wake him up at 7 AM for transport somewhere else in the state for a medical procedure. The guy is all grumpy, complaining about how I'm getting him up at the "ass crack of dawn." He demanded to be allowed time to take a shower, heat and drink some coffee and have a smoke. The van taking him away was already waiting for him and I knew for a fact that he'd taken a shower before going to bed the night before. I told him there wasn't time for any of that, he just had to get dressed and get to the van. He begins swearing and ranting about how inhumanely we were treating him and after months of his complaints I couldn't hold it in anymore. "I know, it sucks how early you have to get up to get your free medical care, huh?" I told him. He was immediately silent . He got dressed and left in a huff. I later found out how he wrote a grievance to the warden about my comment. Inmate complaints are occasionally reason for worry, so I was nervous when the warden called me in to his office. It turned out he just thought my comment was hilarious and told me to keep up the good work.