Your Boss, Translated

Your Boss:  I have a special project for you to work on.

Translation:  Here is some bullsh*t that I don’t feel like doing.

Your Boss:  I need you to finish this by the end of the day.

Translation:  I am supposed to have it done by the end of the day.

Your Boss:  I’m leaving early to run some errands.

Translation:  The CEO left early, so I’m going home to get drunk.

Your Boss:  Will you print this report for me?

Translation:  Will you print this report since I have no idea how to do it myself?

Your Boss:  I emailed you about this last week.

Translation:  I didn’t email you but you have to act like I did since I’m your boss.

Your Boss:  Why didn’t you take care of that?

Translation:  Why didn’t you read my mind since you had no other way of knowing?

Your Boss:  I never told you that.

Translation:  I probably did tell you that, but I’m really old and it’s hard to remember.

Your Boss:  Can you explain that again?

Translation:  Can you say it again since I have ADD?

Your Boss:  I was on another call when you called me.

Translation:  I was in the middle of Solitaire.

Your Boss:  Why do you need that day off?

Translation:  Why can’t you just live here?

Your Boss:  I have no idea where those reports went.

Translation:  They are buried in the GIANT stacks of paper on my desk and I’m lazy.

Your Boss:  I’m here by 5:00am each morning.

Translation:  I have no life.

Your Boss:  Here is a memo from Human Resources.

Translation:  Throw this away for me.

Your Boss:  Can you come to my office?

Translation:  Can you walk over here just so I can hand something to you?

Your Boss:  Pizza party Friday and you get to leave at 4:00!

Translation:  This is what you get instead of a raise!

Your Boss:  Why is this in Excel format?

Translation:  You know how to use Excel?

Your Boss:  Man, I am having a horrible day.

Translation:  I am going to go slam three beers from a cooler I keep in my truck.

Your Boss:  Good job on that report for the CEO.

Translation:  F*ck you, you brown-noser.