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105%-O-Matic

Issue #70

by 105%-O-Matic on

The truth is out there. At least that’s what we were told.

There Will Be Blood is easily the best name ever for a period piece.
-Adam Newman
I feel bad for my friend, he’s obviously getting married for all the wrong reasons. Like, he must think his fiance is good looking.
-Amir Blumenfeld
If professional golfers choose to take the day off or retire, would they start to do actual work?
-Owen Grove
An Unpopular Comedian
“I just flew in from the battered women’s shelter and boy are my arms tired!”
-Ving Pranson
On Friday, Christian Bale pretended to be Batman, on Sunday he fought with his mom. He basically spent the weekend acting like me at 13.
-Patrick Cassels
A Picture’s Worth
Is my picture worth double if it’s of 1000 words?
-Ricky Kamil
Drug Awareness
Anti-drug ads have been really cracking down on meth lately. I wonder when they’ll start mething down on crack.
-Nick Lathan
I would give my left arm to be ambidextrous.
-Nick Long
Learning Through Music
Before I listened to rap I had no idea how much NWA hated Sting and his band mates.
-Nick Nemeroff
I find it ironic that getting the clap is nothing to cheer about.
-Tanner Boyd
I always hated getting cut in line when I was a kid, so obviously I was glad when my school finally installed metal detectors.
-Conor McKeon
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Have you thought about your soul

I just joined a natural products company as a sales representative and am really excited about it. The other day I was on a plane next to a really nice old couple. After a few minutes of small talk, they mentioned that they both had bad arthritis. I thought this would be a perfect opportunity to tell them about our products. I gave a 10 minute talk about how our products... Read More » could improve their daily life. They listened intently and then ended by saying they would not need it because God would tell them when to die. Turns out they were Jehovah's Witnesses, who spent the rest of the plane ride concerned about my immortal soul.