Never play "Trivial Pursuit" with a stoner...

Whenever I play a game, I like many of you make a mental checklist of my competitors. I break them down into two categories; the ones that I think I can beat and the ones that I think will pose the biggest challenge. I’m telling you right now, DON“T BE FOOLED BY THE STONER. I know what some of you are thinking, you’re thinking bullshit, but I’m serious, it’s like they become a savant or something…

As soon as the dice start rolling and questions start being read you begin to rack your brain looking for the right answer, time passes. Meanwhile Rain Man over there is spitting out answers faster than he can eat a 99-cent bag of Frito’s.

Now I’m not talking about the casual toker; no, I’m talking about the STONER.

This is the same guy that forgot his own name for thirty minutes.

The same guy you saw eating mayonnaise sandwiches last night, because he forgot to add the tuna fish.

The same guy that crawled into his sleeping bag backwards, passed out, and couldn’t figure out how to get out when he woke up. (It’s a sad, sad image to see a grown man give up so easily and resolve to spend the rest of his existence smothered in down, struggling to breathe through a zipper.)

Perplexed by this observation, I decided to study the stoner tribe in an attempt to get a better understanding of how they have become such mavens of useless trivia.

My two guides were a couple of elder tribesmen named, “Pucker” and “Zippo.” Pucker got his name from taking one too many ecstasy pills that resulted in a temporary yet reoccurring tick and a permanent nickname. Every time he indulges in ecstasy, he acquires the uncontrollable impulse to pucker his lips every two to three seconds. To the uninitiated this is an odd sight to see, especially considering the fact that he is completely oblivious to the compulsion. Uncontrollable fits of laughter are inevitable while witnessing this, yet Pucker seems unfazed by this reaction. Apparently uncontrollable spontaneous bursts of laughter are a norm among the tribe.

Zippo on the other hand got his name trying to light a pilot light he had forgotten he had turned on. A tale that could of ended tragically, resulted into a couple months without eyebrows, a funny anecdote that he is not afraid to share over and over again, and a nickname.

My two guides introduced me to their lifestyle by inviting me to join them in a tribal circle I can only assume is called, “Puff, Puff, Pass.” I assume this, because this is what they chanted as they passed what I later learned was a “joint” (Marijuana wrapped in rolling papers. The most popular brand of rolling papers is apparently Zig Zag white and orange.) Hookahs, blunts, bongs, and pipes are all acceptable vehicles for smoking the marijuana with in the circle. “One-hitters” are generally reserved for driving, and or social settings where the participant is not willing to share his stash or is trying to hide their consumption of the marijuana. The circle moves in a counter clockwise fashion and anyone who lingers and or breaks the, “Puff, Puff, Pass” mantra is immediately accused of “Bogarting.” (Bogarting is when someone is hoarding, or not sharing, as they should.)

The most likely candidate of bogarting is the member of the tribe that contributes the least and does not pull his or her own weight. The “Mooch” or “Leech” as they are commonly referred to as, often invites themselves to gatherings, as none of the other tribe members are willing to do so. The “Mooch” can also be identified as the guy that is crashing on the couch. Their only noticeable contribution to the group is as a source of levity, as they are willing to endure copious amounts of ridicule. They will eat, drink, or do just about anything to be included in the tribe. For a more visual example of the, “Mooch” go to Youtube and type in keywords, “Bottle rocket” “Out of” and “Ass.”

At the conclusion of the circle my two guides decided to introduce me to Stoner cuisine. The feast included, the frozen burrito, Frito’s, Dorito’s, and chicken taquito’s. My first impression was that the Stoner tribe was drawn, to foods that ended in the letter, “O”. Was this a clue to their superior grasp on useless knowledge? No. Upon further investigation Zippo and Pucker informed me that the Stoner tribe was drawn to finger foods, and foods that could be microwaved and or delivered. While my two guides did concede to preferring chips that end in “O” all chips are perfectly acceptable includingš“Funyuns.” In fact, Zippo shared with me his recipe for a rather tasty appetizer, according to him barbeque potato chips dipped in sour cream are, “THE NUKE!” Beverages included the many flavors of Lipton ice teas, the many flavors of Snapple, The many flavors of Gatorade, the many flavors of Mountain Dew, and the many flavors of Dr. Pepper. Various juices are acceptable. Grubbing never really stops during tribe gatherings it just undulates from gorging to snacking.

Gaming is also a part of the Stoner tribe lifestyle. Games preferred during gathering are ones that can support two or more players. Single player games are reserved for non-gathering times. Exceptions include games such as the Grand Theft Auto series in which tribe members take turns creating mass destruction. Gaming generally concludes when the collective reaches a state best described as being “Faded.” (Faded “ When ones high is at it’s peak.) Generally game performance declines at this point.

At this point the tribe gravitates toward television programming.

First up, an episode of “Cops.” Although the tribe is committing an illegal act themselves they generally seem entertained each time a guest star on the program is “busted.” Another observation I had is that many of the tribe members are dressed and act like the participants in the show that are being detained by the officers. Even though the irony is not lost on me it does appear to be lost on them.

As the show concludes the next several hours are spent maintaining their “high” and channel surfing a handful of cable networks. The channels that are most frequented include, “The Discovery Channel,” “The History Channel,” “The Learning Channel,” “The Military Channel,” “Mtv,” “Vh1,” and “Comedy Central.”

Suddenly a light bulb goes off, could this be the source of the Stoner’s wisdom? Could educational cable programming be the answer?

My theory: Since tribe gatherings happen on a daily basis and cable networks regularly repeat their programming knowledge slowly seeps into the Stoner’s brain, becoming a permanent fixture trapped with in their resin encrusted brains.

Furthermore, I would not be shocked or surprised to see one of the Stoner tribesmen that I befriended during this investigation become the next reigning Jeopardy champion. That, or a guest star on a future episode ofš“Cops.”

And that is all for now…