Rick 'Serpico' Ross

Reporter: Rick, how do you respond to the rumors going around that you once worked in a prison as a correctional officer?

Rick Ross: Aww hell nah boy! I’m Ross the boss, not Ross the man. Some cats out there trying to tarnish my reputation as the baddest motherf*cker in the business. I’ve got it all baby! Some haters out there don’t wanna see the total package walking around without a target on his back. You know how it is…

Reporter: Thanks Rick.

Two days later, FBI Headquarters

FBI Agent: Dammit Agent Ross! These corrections officer rumors are compromising our entire mission! What are you going to do about it?

Rick Ross: ME?! You were supposed to destroy all of the documents linking me back to back to that part of my life!

FBI Agent: I thought we did. If anyone scratches this scab anymore, this entire case could fall apart.

Rick Ross: THE CASE? I heard someone put out a hit on me! And you’re worried about the case?!

FBI Agent: Look, we’ve put in a lot of time and money on you penetrating the rap game. Hell, we even got you rap lessons. We’ve got intel on some of the biggest players in hip-hop, wires up in fifteen of the hottest hip-hop clubs across the country, and now this case is on the verge of unraveling!

Rick Ross: Yeah, well, I’ve been holding up my end, so what are you going to do about this situation?

FBI Agent: Okay, you’re right, and we really appreciate what you’ve done so far, we just don’t want to see all of this hard work go to pieces. Just keep denying everything, and we’ll take care of the rest. We might even have to pull in Agent Smith on this one.

Rick Ross: Agent Smith?

FBI Agent: Agent Will Smith, he’s one of our best secret operatives.

Rick Ross: Really?! Will Smith?!

FBI Agent: Let’s just put it this way, “I Am Legend” was more of a documentary than a movie.

Rick Ross: Damn.

FBI Agent: We’re going to have to pull him from his current operation and have him bail you out of this.

Rick Ross: What’s he working on now?

FBI Agent: Penetrating the Church of Scientology.

Rick Ross: Man, and I thought I was in a tight spot…