Day 1: My stupid co-workers at Home Depot think I can't go two weeks without taking a dump. I so can.

Day 2: Had a sick donair for lunch, still feeling fine though. Idiot co-workers are putting money up if I can do it now. Easiest 500 bucks I'll ever make.

Day 3: Feeling good.

Day 4: Little bit of intestinal discomfort, I can man up and take it though.

Day 5: Asshole Clay from Hardware punched me in the lower gut when I wasn't looking, I almost lost 5 days worth of shit in my khaki shorts. Barely kept it in, crisis averted.

Day 6: I gotta start watching my farts now, every one is a gamble.

Day 7: Had a sweet date with Stacey, I cut the nastiest fart during dinner, but I think I totally covered it up by coughing loudly and blaming the foreign guy sitting at the table behind us.

Day 8: My stomach's really starting to hurt, I'm starting to think this might not be healthy.

Day 9: Stacey and I were going all the way, and she started to get kinky with me. As we were in the middle of it she sticks her finger in my ass. I didn't lose the whole load on her hand, but a bit got on her finger. I think it may have ruined the mood.

Day 10: Crippling stomach pain. I would give in, but Clay from Hardware is such a fucking dink.

Day 11: My bowels released in my sleep, my mom laughed so hard when she came in to wake me up for work. I think she called my Aunt to tell her about it too…

Day 12: I'm faking the pains at work still, trying to collect the 500 bucks still.

Day 13: My sphincter seems to be permanently loosened by the whole thing, I can't even feel a normal shit coming out anymore.

Day 14: Fuck. I was going to collect my 500 today, but Mom came in to buy some shrubs or something, she told the cashier that I worked here and that I had shit the bed two nights earlier. No money, plus everyone knows I shit the bed.

I hate you Mom.