Roommate Confessions: Issue 37

It’s been an entire week since your last confession and there’s been a lot of good, solid sinning going on across the country. Check out the top 5 and don’t forget to submit your misdeeds to here!

I was in a fraternity during my freshman and sophomore years. In my sophomore year there was an incident where two other fraternities trash talked us during rush. The majority of my fraternity didn’t care, but 4 of us took it upon ourselves to seek justice. One of our brothers lived next to a hunting reserve, and we went to the pile of dead animals where hunters leave the remains of what they kill and cut two boar heads off with shovels. We then put them on stakes (like in Lord of the Flies) outside the president’s of each of the fraternities houses. Needless to say, word spread and a police investigation ensued to no avail.
Brett C., School Not Given

Let’s just say I wasn’t using my bath towel to wipe off the toilet every time you dribbled on the seat…
Kevin, UCSB

So my roommate freshmen year was a douche. Not a douchimus maximus, but still a fucking douche. So one night I come home and hes just wasted off tequila with three girls from across the hall, and one of them is a lesbian. Ten minutes or so after I arrive two of the girls left, and the fat lesbian was the only one remaining. She starts throwing a shitshow and almost pissed in our hallway while yelling about god knows what. I go out and put her in our bathroom, and soon puking begins and she’s out. About five minutes after she’s out I head back out to where my room, and after convincing my roommate to do a few shots with me. He was out not more than ten minutes after his last shot, and I knew he might start puking soon so I acted quickly. I took him in to the bathroom with the passed out lesbian, took off his shirt and his jeans, and laid him right next to that big pile of lesbian. Made it appear to like they were spooning. All I was hoping for was a puzzled face on my roommate in the morning, but it turned out he was a virgin and thought he had sex. The next day I asked her if she had a good time the night before, and all she said was, “I guess I’m bi now.” So in the end, sorry dude but I still think you’re a virgin, and sorry lesbian neighbor, you’re probably still a lesbian or putting on an act.
Alex Burkamper, Kirkwood

My roommate this year is an old friend from high school. We’ve known each other a very long time and have confided in each other just as long. He had an away message up the other day that said one of his friends told him she was pregnant. When I saw him next I asked him who it was and he refused to tell me, refused to play 20 question, and then started giving fake names out to my other friends so they could fuck with me. To get back at him, I went on facebook and created an event calling it his baby shower. I came up with a back story, where the girl was from, when he met her etc. All of which was pretty easy considering he told me about some random chick he plowed at a wedding a few months back. I invited all of our friends, including his ex girlfriend, to come out to celebrate him becoming a daddy. I never told him about the event and he doesn’t check facebook often so he was rather surprised to see all our friends waiting for him at the bar with balloons and gifts. It actually worked out better than I had hoped because not only was he surprised and pissed, but after a few beers he started reciting the story and telling everyone it was true. Everyone was buying him beers and shots getting him ridiculously drunk until his mom called. His sister apparently found the event and told his mom and boy was she pissed. The whole bar could hear her screaming at him on the phone. He hung up on her. His mom now wants him to move back home.
Andrew W., School Not Given

My dumbass roommate sophomore year always had his fat, ugly girlfriend over. She would always annoy the hell out of me and my friends and would eat my food. The two of them would have sex just about every other night with the lights on. It was most annoying on the nights before my exams. Basically, they were like wild runny rabbits discovering sex for the first time. I had enough. So when he went out with his girlfriend to see some shitty movie, I worked the entire night setting up my plan. I loosened the bolts and springs on his bed which was lofted high above the ground, placed a warm dog turd in each of his slippers, and rigged the lights so they wouldn’t turn on. He brought his girlfriend back that night as expected and promptly started having sex. I left the room to give them some privacy. When I saw him the next day he had a cast on and I eventually heard that during anal sex, the bed had collapsed. When the bed crashed to the floor he fell off and hit his table and broke his right arm. The sudden pulling action in his girlfriend’s anus stretched her rectum. They had to go to the hospital immediately but he drove a stick and due to his fracture he could not drive so he had to get a close friend to drive him and his girlfriend to the hospital. Oh, and I never saw those slippers again.
Peter, Carnegie Mellon University

Submit yours here!