Robert Palmer Intervention

Robert Palmer comes home to find a small group of friends and family in his home.

RP:  Hey guys!  C’mere and give me a hug!  Is this a party or what??

Mom: No, Robert.  We’re all here to help you.  This is Doctor Tallwood.

RP: Help me with what?  I need a kiss now, like yesterday.  This tongue is lonely.

Robert Palmer winks at his mother.

Doctor Tallwood:  Robert, we gathered here to help you change your ways.  You need to make a change in your life.  Mr. Palmer, why don’t you start us off.

Dad: Robert.  On March 15, 1990 you came into our family’s house with two gutter-floozies and…and copulated with both of them in our family room for three hours, on your mother’s quilt.

RP:  Hell yeah, I did!  That was a great night!  We got it on!  Bang a gong!

Robert smacks his Dad’s ass.

Dad:  Jesus Christ, Robert!  It made me feel unclean.  Especially after you knocked your grandmother’s ashes off the mantle while you gave that poor girl a Russian Mudflap.

RP:  That’s just the price of being awesome, Dad.

Robert Palmer makes a blowjob motion at Doctor Tallwood.

Dad:  I tried to help you.  But like two, well three, rutting dogs I couldn’t pry you off those groupie sluts with a crowbar.  I didn’t know how to help you then.  I…I still don’t.

RP:  I’m just a love machine!  Once I’m lubed up, you can’t stop me.  Love it!

Doctor Tallwood:  Mrs. Palmer, why don’t you talk to your son?

RP:  Yeah, talk dirty to me, Mom!

Mom:  Robert Allen Palmer, that’s disgusting! Do you remember June of 1994 when we visited you in Paris?  You met us at the airport.

RP:  Like a good son does!

Mom:  Good sons do NOT tongue kiss their mothers “Hello” at the Air Franc Terminal!!!

RP:  But, I love you Mom!  How else could I show it?

Mom:  With a hug, Robert!  Like a normal person!

RP:  Don’t yell at me!  I’m getting really stressed out.  I just want a kiss, a little one.  A peck on the cheek.  An eskimo kiss.  Anything.  Doctor Tallwood I’ll ess your dee right now for just one ass grope.

Doctor Tallwood:  Concentrate Robert!  You need to hear this.  Stay with us.

Andy Taylor:  In the summer of ’84 you had an affair with my wife, my daughter, my nephew and my St. Bernard, Scruffy.  Power Station could have been huge!! But you threw it all away!  For what!?! 

RP:  For love, man.  I did it for love!  I just love everything.  I seea woman, a man, an animal, a plant anything, and I just want to loveit.  I HAVE to love it!  My heart sweats!  My body quakes!  I just wantto love everything at once!!!  I can’t get enough!  I LOVE!!!

Andy Taylor: I had to go back to Simon Le Bon on my hands and knees!  The things he made me do to get back into Duran Duran…

Andy shutters.  Robert Palmer starts seductively rubbing a fern in the corner.  He begins to unzip his pants.

Doctor Tallwood:  You’re gonna have to face it Robert you—

RP:  No!  Don’t say it!  My throat is tight.  I can’t breathe.  Someone touch me!  Anywhere!

Robert Palmer tears his shirt off.

Doctor Tallwood:  No one here is going to touch you Robert.  You’re gonna have to face it, you’re addicted.  Addicted to love.

Robert Palmer falls to the floor and curls up in a fetal position.

RP: My will is not my own…

Doctor Tallwood begins to stroke Robert’s back.

Doctor Tallwood:  Yes, that’s it Robert.  Admitting you have a problem is the first step.  You’re gonna have to face it.  We’ll get you help Robert.

Mom:  Thank you Doctor Tallwood.  You’ve saved our family.

Dad:  Yes, thank you Doctor.

Robert Palmer grabs the doctor’s hand and moves it to his chest.  Rubbing it on his nipple Robert sighs contentedly.

Doctor Tallwood:  Lots and lots of help.