How I Imagined the Christian Bale Alleged Assault Occurred

Christian Bale: …Although you can shake my hand and feel flesh gripping yours. I simply am not there…

Christian’s Mother: Thanks for…telling us that, honey.

Christian: You like Huey Lewis and the News? Their early work was a lit—

Mother: No I prefer good music.

Christian: You didn’t let me finish…

Christian’s Sister: Say bro, got any Dunkaroos I can snack on?

Christian: You’re going to have the roasted duck with peanut butter soup. New York Matinee called it a playful, but mysterious little dish.

Sister: Nah, that sounds pretty bad

Christian (mutters): You’re a f*cking ugly bitch. I want to stab you to death. Then play around with your blood.

Sister: WHAT? Did… did you think we couldn’t hear that for some reason? Cause we totally could.

Mother: Christian! What an awful, rude, violent and kind of sexist thing to say!

Christian: You know what Ed Gein said about women?

Sister: Ed Gein, Maitre’d at Canal Bar?

Mother: It doesn’t matter! Chris—are you eating your sister’s leg!?!?

Christian: I’m a child of divorce, give me a break!

Mother: You need some serious help.

Christian: I’m leaving. I’ve assessed the situation, and I’m going.

Sister: Where are you going?

Christian: I have to return some videotapes….

Sister: Seriously? This is 2008, even DVD’s have gotten old. You are such a fruit.

Mother: Christian is that a chainsaw…?

Christian: TRY GETTING THOSE DUNKAROOS NOW YOU F*CKING STUPID BASTARD!