Getting Hosed at the Pump? Hose Off!

Michael A. Stusser

With the price of oil through the roof, you deserve a littlemore for your gas money. And with all the bad publicity being heaped on BigOil, the fat cats at Exxon and Shell are more than happy to provide additionalservices to ease the pain!

Some of the perks at filling stations are obvious: aircompressors with tire gauges, water machines, that squeegee thing to clean yourwindows, and bad directions from (non)service attendants are all provided at noextra charge. But that's just the tip of the oily iceberg when it comes to newbennies. Here are a few more free customer services available at a gas pumpnear you:

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Free showers! That's right, feel free to use the handy watertroughs and washer fluid alongside pumps to clean up and bath away! Bring yourown towels, or use the little blue ones provided. (Shop towels can also be usedas dinner napkins.)

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The air compressor isn't just for tires anymore. Pump upinner-tubes, air mattresses, blow-up dolls or yoga balls at FREE airdispensers! Heck, bring Grandma on down when her oxygen tank runs low!

Vacuums are often available at petrol stations, and can beused to clean floor mats, remove lint from clothing, or suck money directlyfrom your wallet if you prefer giving it to them that way.

Use those ever-changing plastic price-per-gallon numbers onthe display signs to study fractions and decimals with the youngsters. "LookJimmy, today gas is 5.45 9/10ths per gallon, no, wait, now it's 5.50 and4/5ths!" (Better hurry though, as most stations are swapping out the old-schoolmanual signs for LEDs in order to quickly raise prices without pulling out theladder.)

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Though the folks at 76 stations no longer give away thosefoam antennae balls, they're OK with you taking the big one on the sign outfront, so help yourself to your FREE 76 hood ornament!

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The gas pump handle itself can be used as an anti-stressdevice. Similar to stress-balls, the attached hose provides added resistance!

Gas siphoning from Tanker trucks is encouraged as acommunity-share program. If there are no Tankers in the lot, go ahead andsiphon from Bud trucks.

Family Check-up! The handy height indicator tape alongsidethe door of the Gas Mart can be used as a fun way to measure the kids! "Mygoodness " Sarah's growing like a weed! And now we've got a home movie on thesecurity camera tapes!"

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Though Texaco doesn't advertise this wonderful promotion,King Abdullah bumper stickers are available behind the counter. Collect thewhole set: Crown Prince Sultan, Bandar bin Abdul Aziz, King Khalid, George BushSr., Lee Raymond and more! (Commemorative Saddam Hussein bumper sticker nolonger available.)

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Station attendants are always willing to loan out spare gascans, which can be used to transport plasma to the Blood Bank to raise moneyfor gasoline.

Offset the price of gas by taking advantage of themini-mart's well-priced snack section to do your grocery shopping! Slim Jimcasserole, anyone? (Nacho cheese can also be used as sunblock.)

Use those handy Gas Diesel Mitts for grimy household chores,crime scenes and joint rolling!

In addition to the window squeegee, many parts of a car washcan be removed for home use including brooms, hoses, mops, fire extinguishersand spray nozzles!

And, finally, go ahead and LINGER. For many, the ambiance ofa gas station brings back days of James Dean, Natalie Wood and the Wild West.Take some pictures, sit back in the pick-up, and enjoy! Just don't light thatcigarette " someone might actually be using the place to gas up!

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