# How to Land the Guy of your Dreams

OH NO!

You were fooled by the subject and opened this message. Now you have to read what it says or Zombie Hitler will rise from the dead and spread facism all over your ass.

Since you opened this, you're proably 13 or 14 years old, and almost definately a girl. You probably are hXc in love with a guy that is either your close friend, or who you barely talk to, but either way, you'll never tell him and get depressed about how he "never notices you." His name is probably like Josh or something…

So anyways, Josh probably likes you too if you're his close friend, and if you're hot he probably likes you regardless. So here's how you get him to "notice you."

STEP 1: Follow these instructions for reposting…
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Take your age, divide by 2, then multiply by 3. Repost this message before that many minutes. Since you're 13 or 14, this is either 19.5 or 21. The title must follow these rules…

If she told you a secret – blue
If she laughed at your hat – red
If she didn't talk to you – white

If you have a friend named Leanna, the second word should be a racial slur, like gook or honkey. You pick which one.

If you failed your last math test, the third word should be a verb in the present progressive tense. if you mess this up, Jesus will smite you.

If you did okay on your math test, the third word should look like a 12 year old "hax0r" wrote it. if you don't know what I mean, you'll burn in hell.

If you aced the math test, the third word should be a 4-digit prime number – you're smart, you can figure it out.

The fourth and fifth words should be your middle name, and what you plan on naming your first son. Probably Josh, since you're so predictable like that.

The sixth word should simple be "omg"

The seventh word is completely up to you, as long as it has two w's in it.
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STEP 2: If you want Josh to fall in love with you, tell him you like him. he has last period free on even days, so you can tell him then. He hangs out in the front of the cafeteria, on the left side, with his friends Jake, Joe, and Jorge.

STEP 3: Invite Josh over for casual, no-strings attached sex. If he looks intrigued, laugh and say you were kidding, then wink. If he looks disgusted or something similar, laugh and say you were kidding, then wink at somebody else.

STEP 4: Slap Josh on the ass during history. He'd like the attention, and his history teacher bores the crap out of him.

STEP 5: Learn to polka. Trust me on this one.

STEP 6: Wait for Josh to come to you. If you followed all these steps correctly he will, and you'll be left with one of these three options…

A) You two finally date, and he breaks up with you after a while, breaking your heart, but then you get over him and laugh at the whole situation.

B) You ruin your friendship with him, every time you two talk it gets awkward and eventually you stop hanging out. You get sad, but eventually you put it behind you and laugh about it.

C) He comes over for that casual sex, you two do the nasty, you get pregnant, put the baby up for adoption, she gets adopted by Koreans, your parents won;t let you see Josh ever again, you cry and cry and cry, but eventually put it behind you and laugh about it.

Happy hunting!

More By AF Zampardi