Guide to being awesome: How to get chicks

Look at my picture.

Look at it. I know what you’re thinking, and the answer is yes – I get a lot of pussy.

A lot…of pussy.

I can’t count the number of times a day I get dudes coming up to me saying “Dude, Patrick, you look like a guy who gets a ton of pussy (which makes sense, because I totally do). Can you teach me how to get pussy like you?”

While I ordinarily reply by kissing my biceps and walking away, I’ve decided to give you a gift. That’s right – today is the day I’m going to give you tips on how to pull some hot-ass tail and get rad pussy – just like me.

You’re welcome. Now let’s get started.

Talking to bitches

Many people claim that the way to attract chicks is communication. I couldn’t agree more.

However, it’s not enough just to communicate. No, it’s about the way you communicate.

Some dudes waste their time with stupid shit like “asking questions” or “conversation.” They think that by getting to know a chick, she will be more interested in them, and ultimately give them a hand job in the bathroom later on.

Not true.

My method of communicating with chicks? Subliminal messages.

You know – messages that are discretely inserted into conversation, making the chick think about one thing while you’re talking about something entirely different.

My preferred method of subliminal messaging is to tell jokes. This way, the chick is so caught up in my hilarious joke that she doesn’t catch the subtle message that I’ve inserted into her brain.

For example:

Me: What lives in the jungle and has orange fur with black stripes?
Hot ass chick: I don’t know, what?
Me: My big dick.

Did you catch it? Of course you didn’t. Because it’s SUBLIMINAL. While you were focused on my hilarious joke, you failed to realize that I had subtly planted the idea in your head that I have a big dick.

Don’t get me wrong – jokes aren’t for everyone. Sometimes you have to send these subliminal messages through different types of communication. Try this one:

Waiter: So, can I get you two started with an appetizer?
Me: Why yes, yes you can. I’ll have the fried mozzarella, but nothing for her. She needs to save room for my big-ass dick.

Did you catch it that time? No? Well of course you didn’t, fuck face, it was SUBLIMINAL. Don’t worry, it’ll hit you later.

No matter what your preferred strategy is for getting pussy, understand that mine is better. Why? Just look at me. I’m fucking sweet. Now that you’ve accepted that as fact, you are ready to take my advice and try it out in the real world.

I hope this helps, and I’m looking forward to hearing your success stories as a result of my sweet advice. But before I sign off, how about one more joke?

Me: What’s black and white and read all over?
You: I don’t know; what?
Me: Hmmm…I don’t know. Maybe a newspaper?






Or maybe my big-ass dick.