Gym Conversations, if they Existed

Me: Hey, I don’t mean to interrupt, Guy Standing 2 Feet from the Mirror, I can tell you’re focusing hard on snarling at your own reflection. I just wanted to know, are you going to use these free weights sitting by your feet or can I?

Guy Standing 2 Feet From The Mirror: Sorry Champ, I would, but I was just about to pick them up and hold them at a 90 degree angle so I can stare at my taught bicep for the next 20 minutes or so.

Me: Oh, it’s okay. Great decision cutting the sleeves off that t-shirt, by the way. And continuing it all the way down to your stomach, so everyone can see your whole upper body, just great decisions all around.

GS2FFTM: Yeah man! That’s why I cut the sleeves off everything. You should check out this new leather jacket I got.

Me: Yeah,sounds sweet. I think I’ll just go work my legs.

Middle-aged Woman: Not on this machine you won’t! I’ve been sitting here all morning at the leg press, with 15 lbs. on it, and I don’t plan on getting up until my legs look like they did in high school.

Me: Maybe you should try lifting it a few times. Forget it, I’ll go bench.

Spotter: DUDE I HEARD THE WORD BENCH! LET’S DO IT! LET’S BRING THE PAIN BABY!

Me: Who are you?

Spotter: I’M THE OVER-ENTHUSIASTIC SPOTTER DUDE! NOW LESS TALK MORE BENCH!

Me: I was actually planning on just doing a bunch of reps. Ya know, build up some endurance.

Spotter: SHUTUP STOP BEING GAY! GET DOWN THERE AND BENCH! DO IT!

Me: Why do you have to scream all the time?!

Spotter: INSECURITY! NOW BENCH FAG BENCH! MAX OUT! MAX OUT!

(70 Year Old Man walks over)

Old Man: Sunny you’re pressing that iron all wrong. You’ve been doing everything wrong, and that’s why I’ve been sitting here glaring at you as you’ve moved from exercise to exercise. You kiddies walk around here, thinking you can do anything, with your young muscles, your thick bones, your creamy, sweet thighs.

Me: I’m really just doing it how the trainer told me to do it.

Old Man: You don’t know dick squat about bulking up. You need to keep your back straight, your eyes on the bar, and your sweet sweet buttocks clenched. You know what, step aside and let me give this a good ol’ try.

Me: You sure? You weigh like 135 lbs, and most of that is just in extra skin flaps.

(Old Man tries to lift the bar)

crack

Old Man: AAAAAH!!!

Me: Are you okay?

Old Dude: See? This is the good stuff, oh yeah. You can tell it’s a good burn when you can’t stand up, you’re crying, and you crap yourself. I might’ve done that earlier, actually.

Spotter: YEAH BRO! 2 MORE! JUST 2 MORE BRO YOU GOT THIS!

Me: Well,the woman sitting at the leg press machine just got up, so I think I’m gonna go hit that up…

Old Man: Okay boy-o, don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine. In fact, I feel good enough to spend the rest of the day loitering naked in front of your locker.