Staff Picks

The Top 5 Weirdest Candies

by Daniel Eric Lopez on August 7, 2008

It’s pretty much a scientific fact that everyone loves candy. And if you don’t, you should probably go find your soul somewhere in your toilet. And whenever you walk by a candy store, you always get that urge to go in and buy everything. Also a scientific fact. The companies who make candy know that they have you by the balls and that you will buy whatever they make, so they sometimes just say “f*ck it” when a weird candy idea goes by them. Here are 5 of the weirdest I’ve seen.

Jawbreakers

These bad boys have been around for many, many years. But really, what are they good for? The only thing I’ve seen them good for are sore jaws and strange desires about your friends. And blowjob jokes. Lots of them. Also, the name itself doesn’t sound like a candy at all. It sounds like a threat. “Eat this candy, kids, and it’ll break your jaw. Go ahead. I dare you.” And when those three magical words are uttered, gay jokes hurled at their kid is the least of the parents’ worries.

Candy Rocks

I believe the picture to be enough of a reason why this is a weird candy. And if that isn’t enough for you then… rocks? Seriously? Seriously? You don’t find this absolutely absurd? Well then I hope you confuse a candy rock with a real one and then find out what a real jawbreaker is.

Anything Blue Raspberry

If anyone hasn’t noticed this, but just about everything that is raspberry flavored has gone through a somewhat confusing and completely unnecessary transformation from red to blue. Cause… well I really have no clue at all. Maybe they’re just trying to confuse people like the sprinkler lady. Hey, that actually sounds kinda fun.

Gummi Fried Eggs

Normally, when candies are made that try to resemble normal, non-candy food items, the rule of thumb is to not look like rubber. And, you know, taste good. Not only does it look like the stepford wives of the candy world, it probably tastes worse than them as well.

Sour Patch Kids

Now, don’t get me wrong. I fucking love sour patch kids. I’d even kill children to get some sour patch kids. (the red one is my favorite, but enough about me) But here is my problem with this candy- sour patch kids are mainly marketed to kids. And these kids are… eating candy versions of themselves.�

That’s probably the most fucked-up thing to do to children. And if they are real deviants, they might get the idea that eating kids is just as fun and delicious as well, so just be sure no one says “I dare you” when this idea comes up.