Bro Band Conference

Producer: Gentlemen, thank you for coming. We invited you all here today out of respect and admiration for your craft. Each of you have had multiple songs that were popular with the college aged demographic, the group we believe to be most important and influential. Specifically we brought you here to give us a few pointers on how to make a dynamic bro band. We want the chilliest band EVER. Like, literally, we want this band to induce weed-like trances just from one listen. OK, so let’s start brainstorming. Just throw out anything you think might help. Jack, can you start?

Jack Johnson: Well obviously it’s going to be an acoustic rock band?

Producer: Yes, yes of course.

Ben Harper: That’s good, but make sure there’s a black guy in the band. Super chill.

Producer: Oooh good idea. That will be mega chill.

G Love: But make sure there’s a white guy that half sings, half raps. That has always worked for me.

Producer: Oh, that’ll be epic chill.

Dispatch: I don’t know if this is what you’re looking for, but it’s always helped us. Try giving this new band songs about nothing. Like, the Seinfeld of music. Not every song, per se…but, generally, their most popular songs should sound like Brick from Anchorman is writing them. Randomness is so chill.

Producer: Uber chill.

Donavon Frankenreiter: Also, have real simple rhymes. Sometimes even try rhyming the word with itself. It’s like Miller Chill.

Producer: So simple, yet so artistic. Chillicious.

G Love: Yeah that strategy has been my bread and butter. Make sure you don’t necessarily worry about quality of lyrics or whether two lines make sense together. Just make sure they rhyme. All the chilliest bros rhyme no matter what.

OAR: And we’d definitely recommend having all their songs sound the same. I mean, once you’ve got a chill beat, you might as well get your money’s worth, right?

Producer: I never thought about it like that, but that is an ice chill idea, bro.

OAR: We’d also recommend referring to women as something goofy and off the wall. For instance, we say “Hunny-Bunny” a lot. We copyrighted that a while ago, so you can’t use that, but, ya know…something like that.

Producer: Oh man, that’ll be chill as sh*t. Sweet, guys, thanks. I guess the only thing we have left to do is name the band

Dave Matthews: The key to that is to make sure there is more than one guy in the band, make sure that every fan knows there is more than one guy in the band, but only name the band after that one guy. Chill. That is all.

Producer: Oh sweet Jesus that is so effing chill. This band is gonna be huge. A certified Chillasaurus Rex. Thanks guys, I’m gonna go pitch this to the people at MTV.

Jack Johnson: No problem, just call me if you need any help making your band’s lyrics unnecessarily political. I’m real good at that.


2 Days Later:

Producer: Let me introduce, the single chillest band EVER…SHWAYZE!