10 Campus jobs you just don't want.

So, after saving up from your minimum wage part time summer job college students, you’ve managed to save a whopping $431.63 before taxes for the entire next two semesters. Good! This leaves you with a whopping $215.81½ for you to spend until Christmas break. A guy could live on that, you know, if not for food and books. Its time to face the cold hard reality: do you forgo all fun and live off 10lb bags of rice at $0.67 until thanksgiving, or do you find a job on campus? For when you realize you’ve got to start making money again, here are the top ten jobs you do NOT want to get stuck with on campus

10) Teacher’s assistant
Remember how much you hated taking those classes freshman year on the principles of mechanical motion or calc I? Just imagine taking those classes all over again, grading every single paper that comes through the class (Dr. Howel LOVES assigning 30 page dissertations). Whats that? Dr. Howel is out for a week and needs YOU to teach the principles of kinetic energy in a fluid? Did you even learn that freshmen year? Sh*t man, you celebrated that you were done with this for life. What were you thinking?

9) Lab store room assistant
While it doesn’t sound like a bad job, its easily the most hazardous of all the occupations you could have on campus. Transporting dangerous chemicals are an inherent risk, but the unseen risks are far more deadly: too many students die tragically each year playing in the store room, whether it be a pickup game of tongue jousting with that cute freshmen in the dark or your usual ˜catch the butyric acid’, an accidental bump into a rack of syringes full of toxins or into a tank full of liquid nitrogen can lead to a painful, tragic demise. At least you went out with a probable bang.

8) Internships
You have a poor to good work experience. But you receive zero cash and don’t realize that until you open your first paycheck to find a hastily written thank you note and a request for a large mocha latte with no sugar.

7) Standardized patient
Basically what this job entails is a trip to mundane-um in you happen to reside in a nursing school, or to the crazed experiments of yore if your in a large research school. Be prepared to be poke, prodded, examined, inspected, rejected and violated by people you may or may not have met 15 seconds prior to their practice rectal exam. If your lucky though, the cute girl who asks you to turn your head and cough might buy you dinner after missing the vein in your arm 8 times with that IV. All you have to do is survive long enough to avoid having a real doctor take care of you.

6) Janitor
After all the crap that college kids eat in the dining halls, you do not want to be the guy that’s unplugging the toilet, especially when kids start pissing on the seats, pooing in the showers, or vomming from floor to ceiling. Common, even YOU do this some times, you already know how it sucks cleaning up. Avoid jobs that contain ˜janitor’ or ˜dorm’ in any of their titles or sub titles.

5) Kitchen worker
Even if you’ve never seen the movie ˜Waiting’ you can already imagine all the nasty shit that happens to your food every time you sit down to eat your favorite mashed potatoes, and do you really want to know just how much of your food isn’t ˜made fresh’? In this case, ignorance is bliss. Plus, doing dishes blows.

4) Grounds keeper
These are the janitors of the great outdoors between Schrodinger hall on North campus and Einstein hall on the freshman campus 18 miles away, which is a much preferred place to deposit such delicacies such as: used contraceptives, partially digested pizza from AGK’s frat party last night, and road kill. It’s really a race against the clock, whether the decay of ole’ Rockie or the rejected bits of Canadian bacon and pineapple get to your stomach first. Hope you’ve got a strong one.

3) Campus TV cameraman
That camera might not seem very heavy at first, but when after 40 takes you still burst out into laughter at the overdramatic acting your recording, you’ll want to kill yourself when you realize that the producers will still go with the very first take and simply drown out your laughter with birds or mute the section entirely. Even the actors laugh at it, can’t you just film with a handheld? Pray, my friend, you attend an acting school.

2) RA
Its Saturday night, and your buddies down the hall are having a wild party into the wee hours of the morning. The girl/guy ratio is ideal, the booze is free, and… is that a hooker? Man, you love these guys, they’re your best friends. Suddenly the door to 205 opens and little Jason Matthews complains about the noise level at 3 am. Reluctantly your forced to open up 206 and tell everyone to quiet down. Jason isn’t satisfied, and demands that they are written up for the booze. Rather than punch him out, you actually do your job, get rid of all the booze, write up your best friends, and kick out the girls. Everyone hates you. But not as much as you hate Jason Matthews and your open door policy.

1) Orthodontia 101 exam subject
While you want to avoid all of the above listed jobs, this job is nothing short of terrifying, having your teeth drilled by students who ask ˜wait was I supposed to pull that guy’s tooth instead?’ or ˜how do you turn this drill on again?” These will be the masters of your mouth for as long as they can keep you in the chairs. The good news: the college can’t afford that much Novocain for each student to practice with. The bad news: they practice anyway. Nightmares of drills and water picks fill your restless sleep and you lose 10 pounds from being unable to chew your food. Shortly after, you pull out all your teeth in fear of future dental work.