top 10 things you should and should not bring to college

Its that time of year boys and girls, its time to start thinking about just how much shit you can shove into a car and put into a room that, lets face it, is probably a bit smaller than your room at home and shared with one to three other people. To help with the stress and answer some eternal questions such as “is this in style this year? Should I take out my plaid socks to make room for my 1970’s dolphins jersey?” All these questions and so much more to be answered below in a convienent top 10 list of things to bring and not to bring

What to bring:
10) Shot Glasses
Whether you’re a drinker or not, let’s be honest, you need these for those impromptu celebrations that erupt. Did your team win a championship? Did you actually pass Calculus? That crazy girlfriend finally takes the hint that you’re broken up? Its time for a shot! Shot glasses have a variety of other uses too, including but not limited to: drowning sorrows, making pyramids, and (this one’s for real) using them to hold up your laptop. And as we all know, shots are also the perfect way to mend broken friendships, start new ones, or to be able to put up with those people who aren’t really your friends and just casual drinking buddies, and also a great way to placate strict RAs.

9) Good Stories
Nobody, NOBODY likes to talk to people who don’t have good stories. Don’t have any? Sure you do. Remember that time you stopped in at white castle and saw Jessie Jackson pounding a crave case? Or that time you poo’d on that jock’s car who stole your girl? No? That’s because they probably didn’t happen. But nobody else has to know that. Come to college with a few good stories up the sleeve and you will be the life of the party

8) White Board
So a cutie in your psych class said they’d stop by your room later. YES! Unfortunately this puts you in a very difficult position: Wait for the cutie to show up or go out to a friend’s party? With a white board, you can effectively do both. Trust me girls, guys LOVE getting stood up, and it goes the same way for girls from what I understand. Not only will they be able to spill their heart out on the white board for your whole hall to see, but they’ll think your just that much more popular and too good for them. Everyone likes a chase. Do this and you’ll be scoring once a week.

7) Free T-shirts
No, not to give out. Free T-shirts from the school not only show school spirit by boldly declaring ‘I’m supporting my school because its free to do it’, but it also yells you to potential mates ‘I’m low maintenance!/I’m a cheap date!’ Never mind that they only come in extra large and extra smalls. More motivation to lose weight so you can show off your small baby-gap Tee’s!

6) Home made cookies
Can’t make friends? After experiencing that terrible college food (its good the first month, I know, but accepting that is on the slippery slope to obese depression) you’ll be craving for a new treat. You won’t be alone, so its time to break out Mom’s double-chocolate-mocha-macademia-caramel-hazelnut-peanutbutter-brownie sugar cookies! The masses will swarm to you as fast as you can supply them. WARNING: this is a really bad idea if your in a hallway specifically for people with allergies to foods like Diabetes. Or a really good one if you want the whole hall to yourself prior to your manslaughter conviction.

5) TUMS
For some reason, all colleges deem it necessary to load up their food with diarettics. Take a mouthful of these with every meal, avoid cheese and milk, and that name of “Poopy Dwayne” will be a thing of the past.

4) Really big speakers
You CANNOT throw good parties without a good speaker system. This is a simple fact my friends. RAs will respect you more when they can feel your subwoofer from 3 floors down, especially if you attend school in an earthquake prone area. Noise complaints? Please. Quiet hours are for pussys. College is for rocking out.

3) High speed internet connection cable
Unless you go to a school for tractors or penmanship, your college will undoubtedly have a ridiculously fast internet connection for you to take advantage of all year. Should you use this to do research? NO! That’s what the library is for (never go there). College is all about saving money, so this high speed internet connection should be used for only three things: downloading movies, downloading music, and downloading porn. How else would you fund the music for your parties? Lets get serious, production company conglomerates, we can’t afford all your audio visual goodness that we really want! College kids spend all their money on alcohol!

2) Mother’s credit card.
Your parents will understand that your too busy studying to get a job. College is tough these days! Once you have this free, unlimited source of cash, you’ll be able to take that hot date out to a romantic night on the town. Do I smell love in the air? No, that’s just the $70 bottle of wine you treated her to for dinner.

1) Birth Control
Welcome to college kids. Maybe not this semester, maybe not even the next, but statistically, 96%* of college students will at one point bump uglys with someone during their stay in a dorm, and nobody likes a preggy patty or a daddy david as a friend. Think not of your morals, but of your social standing!

*Statistic is fictional.

Continuing with the list of things you should bring to college, its only fair the the good old ˜don’t‘s finally get their share of attention. Below are 10 things you should under no circumstances bring to college.

What not to bring:
10) Digital Camera
Hey, remember that time you went out, got really drunk, and hooked up with that really, really fat and ugly creeper? Probably not, but the evidence of you and big ben will be held over you forever as blackmail if you bring this item to college with you. If you want lasting memories of your college experience, buy a f*ckin diary.

9) Manners
Professors and students alike both don’t respect people with any sense of class. Fail a test? Tell the professor to go bang his mom. He’ll instantly respect you for your gutsiness and probably raise your grade. You’ll go far in the world treating people like trash, rising to the top of your dad’s prestigious company in no time. Interested in a girl? Slam the door in her face, play hard to get, and she’ll come crawling! Roommate giving you a hard time about being messy? Slap him down, he’ll never cross you again!

8) Diary
A diary? Man up.

7) Money
Why spend all your own money when you can just mooch of Bill Gate’s nephew? Not only will you get away with all the free stuff you want if you play your cards right, but you’ll also have all your savings to go to cancun this spring break and make plenty of new friends as they harass you for repayment.

6) School supplies
Everyone else will be bringing plenty of school supplies, just use theirs. This holds especially true for printing paper and pens. That kid down the hall is LOADED with printing paper

5) High school friends
On a more serious and sobering note, you do NOT want friends from highschool with you. Remember that time you farted in Mrs. Jenkin’s geography class and everyone laughed at you until you graduated? So do all your college friends now. Good work, idiot.

4) Cleaning supplies
Two words: Janitor’s closet.

3) Flip flops
A lot of people will tell you that you need these to shower. Personally, I find these take up a lot of room and are just plain out of style. If you pack no flipflops, the alternative to some nasty foot fungi seems like it might just be not poor hygiene. Not true! Showering in sneakers or dress shoes will get your body just as clean without the added cost of flip flops. If that’s still too much for you, just steal your roommate’s. Take their towel and underwear while you’re at it too, for good measure.

2) Weather clothing
Much like flip flops, this simply takes up too much space in your dorm, and isn’t very cost effective. Pack clothing appropriate for when you move in, and nothing else. This means in December when your plowing your way through 4 feet of snow, just throw on 3-4 more pairs of shorts around your ankles and stuff your shirts full of newspaper. For may, simply cut off the jeans, sweatpants, and other ˜warm’ clothing to appropriate summer lengths. The major upside to this is that you can always sew them back on for next winter, when they may be in style like in 1997. Or, you can do as many do, and just not leave the cool air of a dorm near the end of the semester like everyone else cutting classes.

And the number one thing that you will not need packed:
1) Decency!
College is a time for wild parties, drunken escapades, outrageous pranks, and not-so-subtle debauchery. Having any sort of decency is an excellent way to be the odd man out on any of these fun activities. Who wants to have a friend who thinks its wrong to light a passed out dorm mate on fire, or a friend who tries to be the voice of reason when you go up for your first keg stand of the night? Decent Dales are just NOT fun, and as such, you should NOT bring anything even resembling decency to college.