Training Day Schedule at the Police Academy for Campus Safety Officers

0700: Welcome and greet new cadets.
0702: Say goodbye to cadets who only showed up because they thought that Steve Guttenberg would be in attendance.
0730: Demonstration of how you can use the drugs you’ve confiscated to make breakfast the most delicious meal of the day.
0830: Icebreaker: Two truths and a lie about where you got the alcohol/what you were smoking. All prospective officers who can correctly guess the lie on their first try are immediately hired and promoted.
0930: Demonstration: Handcuffing someone who has already passed out: not very necessary, but so much fun.
1015: Group Discussion: Once you have this passed out student in custody, is it moral for you to write obscenities on him and blame someone else?
1100: Consensus: Yes, but you must spell them correctly.
1115: Reassert the fact that Steve Guttenberg is not coming.
1200: Lunch.
1203: Break promise to only use confiscated drugs once after cadets realize and ask why lunch does not taste nearly as good as breakfast did.
1300: Demonstration: How to ticket someone for a minor parking violation.
1330: Demonstration: How to convince yourself that writing that ticket was a worthwhile thing to do and is really going to help make this campus a safer place.
1415: Group Discussion: How about getting blowjobs from hot students for not busting up their sorority formal? Is that moral?
1416: Consensus: Obviously.
1530: Lecture: Fun websites to visit and television shows to watch during the 18 hours of the day when students aren’t really drinking or throwing parties.
1645: Demonstration: How to dial 911. You know, just in case anything really dangerous happens. You’ll probably never have to do it though. I mean, you’re basically a real cop.
1730: Lecture: How talking in military time can make students treat you with more respect.
1815: Dinner. Don’t even bother trying to serve it without the drugs this time.
1930: R&R: These guys have worked hard, I’d say they’ve earned Police Academy.
2100: You know, you can’t really watch the first one without seeing the next two.
2330: Whoa, it’s 2330 already? Shit, we’re supposed to clear out of here in an hour so they have time to set up that theater camp. Hmm…well, you guys know how to figure out if someone is under 21, right? Why does that matter? Because 21 is the legal drinking age. No, no, it’s fine, I forget sometimes too. Ok, you’re all good to graduate.
0000: Commencement Speech: Why being a campus safety officer is just as dangerous and deserving of respect as being a so-called “real” police officer even though you don’t carry a gun or deal with armed robbers all the time like your stupid older brother who thinks he’s so much better than you just because he’s a sergeant in the NYPD and you’re working at some liberal arts college in Vermont with 1200 kids who just smoke pot all the time but can still outrun you for some reason. You know, he didn’t even really deserve that medal for bravery because by the time he showed up most of the hostages had already been released. Oh, damn it, I think I need to go back to therapy…