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105%-O-Matic

Issue #74

by 105%-O-Matic on

The reason the Japanese invented vowels.

What All Chinese Fortune Cookies Should Say
You are about to take a dump in 10 minutes.
-Nghia Nguyen
If 24 Was Set During Daylight Savings Time
“The following events take place between 2 AM and 2 AM.”
-Shawn Pearlman
People always say the worst thing is when you finish sh*tting and realize there is no more toilet paper. I think the worst thing is when you finish sh*tting and realize you’re in the shower.
-Mike P
Bacon with your breakfast is like the icing on the cake. Though I also put icing on my bacon.
-Patrick Cassels
I wonder if some registered sex offenders are just really shy people who needed an excuse to introduce themselves to their neighbors.
-Conor McKeon
I realized during these Olympics that I’ve gotten too old to watch women’s gymnastics the same way I watch women’s beach volleyball.
-Brian Jud
Jeff Rubin is wrong when he thinks Facebook Status updates make it cool to talk in the third person again.
-Jeff Rubin
Every iPod is a Shuffle when you’re blind.
-Paul Stav
Prostitution Tongue-Twister
He sells She down by the sea shore.
-Zach McGrath
My best friend’s girlfriend was on his computer, and when she went to look up “animal porn,” Google brought up recent searches including “anime porn!” How embarrassing for him!
-Ed Boone
My friends and I celebrate the Olympics with our own Beerlympics. It’s just like the real Olympics, but all the events are based on drinking. This summer I won the gold medal in losing my job and abusing my wife. In 2012 I hope to add killing a pedestrian to that list.
-Kevin Corrigan
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Hail "Thatan"

To My Dear Roommate: I'm sorry if I made you fear for your life. I'm not a Satanist. I just wanted you to GTFO for a few days so I could move out in peace. Since you (among all your other "charming" qualities) always taunted me mercilessly about my speech impediment and I know you love doing your Helen Keller impressions for the hearing-impaired girl across the... Read More » hall, I just didn't want you bullying my deaf father while he helped me move my fridge out from underneath your garbage. I probably went to far with the altar and the upside-down cross, but I didn't see your ugly mug again until I was comfortably situated in my new room. Admittedly, I felt a little guilty when you handed me a "Have You Let Christ into Your Heart?" pamphlet a week later. Thorry about that, thister.