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People always say the worst thing is when you finish sh*tting and realize there is no more toilet paper. I think the worst thing is when you finish sh*tting and realize you're in the shower.
Bacon with your breakfast is like the icing on the cake. Though I also put icing on my bacon.
I wonder if some registered sex offenders are just really shy people who needed an excuse to introduce themselves to their neighbors.
I realized during these Olympics that I've gotten too old to watch women's gymnastics the same way I watch women's beach volleyball.
Jeff Rubin is wrong when he thinks Facebook Status updates make it cool to talk in the third person again.
Every iPod is a Shuffle when you're blind.
My best friend's girlfriend was on his computer, and when she went to look up "animal porn," Google brought up recent searches including "anime porn!" How embarrassing for him!
My friends and I celebrate the Olympics with our own Beerlympics. It's just like the real Olympics, but all the events are based on drinking. This summer I won the gold medal in losing my job and abusing my wife. In 2012 I hope to add killing a pedestrian to that list.
The Ordinary Edition. Howie MandelHowie Mandel's soulpatch makes him look like he tried to grow a Hitler-stache but missed by a few inches.-Andrew B.Things Considered "A Waste of Time" By Luke Sk …