Michael Phelps: The Greatest Supernatural Being of All Time

Swimmer Michael Phelps made history at the Beijing Olympics. Most people would say he made history by winning eight gold medals. Yet he also made history in another, more notable way: He cast a magic spell to literally stop time. That was pretty historic.

The world keeps wondering, How did Michael Phelps win so many races? Bob Costas alone has asked this question twenty or thirty times. Was it Michael’s 12,000 calorie per day diet? Was it his 6’7” wingspan? Was it his grueling eight daily hours of training? Michael can’t really say. But we can: It’s because he’s magic.

It’s hard to tell if Michael knows about his extraordinary powers. When interviewed about his successes, he seems charmingly vague. Is he purposefully covering up his magical know-how so that the US government doesn’t capture him and conscript him into service? Or is he really unaware that he is the greatest supernatural being of all time? We don’t know. But we do know that there has never been an American swimmer-or an American sorcerer-quite like Michael.

People say that, since Mark Spitz won seven Olympic gold medals, he is “nearly” as good an athlete as Michael Phelps. Is that true? No. Because Mark Spitz is not a wizard.

One can’t help but wonder just what else Michael Phelps is capable of. Can he read minds? Is he telekinetic? Can he send up the Dark Mark, thus gathering all Dark Wizards to him? Perhaps not, but we suggest you don’t mess with him, just in case. He might get angry and put the Cruciatus Curse on you. That shit hurts.

Think he can’t do it? Then you obviously haven’t noticed what havoc Michael has already wreaked. Observed anything off-kilter recently? Russia bombing Georgia, say, or those retarded gladiator sandals that are suddenly all the rage? That is because, in winning the 100m Butterfly at the Olympics, Michael Phelps has thrust us all into a parallel universe.

When he used his superpowers to stop time last Saturday, ensuring his victory over Serbian swimmer Milorad Cavic, Michael unwittingly created a new reality, a reality that runs one-one hundredth of a second in the past. This new universe that we occupy seems, at first blush, identical to the pre-Michael Phelps universe. But dig deeper, and you’ll realize that nothing is the same. God, as they say, is in the details-and so, too, is Michael Phelps.

Currently, the effects of a Michael Phelps-initiated universe may seem minor, or harmless. But cumulatively, Michael’s wanton time-stopping trick will create a world unlike any we had ever dreamed of. For you non-physics students out there, that’s called the Butterfly Effect. Actually, it’s called the 100m Butterfly Effect.

Bad pun, you say? Too obvious, you cry? Hey, don’t blame us. Blame Michael Phelps: Swimmer. Champion. Wizard.