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Top or Bottom Bunk: The Most Important Decision of Your First Three Minutes of College

by CH Staff on

If your roommate arrives before you and takes the bottom bunk, chances are you can look forward to a year of painful falls and bitter resentment. However, just like poor people who play the lotto, there is always hope! Follow our simple three-step plan for a bed takeover and watch your roommate evacuate that bottom bunk in no time.


1. The Big Foot: When climbing up or down from your bunk, take special care to step on your roommate’s head, hand, foot, etc. It’s not a big foul, but it’s irritating and will establish you as careless and clumsy. Also, knocking anything off a nightstand he may have is encouraged.

2. The Curious Neighbor: Nothing says “I might stab you” like watching someone sleep. The top bunk is perfect for a little over-the-edge spying. However, unlike most undercover operatives, you want to be spotted. When he asks why you are staring at him, just say, “You look so peaceful…so innocent.” Note: Popping your head down when he is with a girl and asking a stupid question such as “When are you waking up tomorrow?” never hurts.

3. The Waterfall: How bad do you want that bottom bunk? Really bad? Good, you’re ready for the final step. After a night of drinking, climb into bed and pee yourself. Don’t worry, lots of kids do this in college, so your reputation won’t be so hurt. The next day, when your roommate discovers himself soaked in your waste, explain the awful paradox you’re in: you love to drink, yet you pee yourself every time you do! It’s important to apologize profusely for the “accident” so your roommate doesn’t catch on to your plan. After one or two soakings, you’ll be sitting pretty on that bottom bunk.

From our book, the CollegeHumor Guide to College.

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When I was 16, I was walking home one night from my girlfriend's (at the time) like any other night. Now, as a teen, I had a shaved head, but that's as far as it goes for me looking like "a bad ass". I was super straight edge. I got to the corner across the street from my apartment, and I was waiting patiently at the light to cross, when all of a sudden I hear the... Read More » wailers and see flashing lights coming in my direction. Two cops get out of their car, tell me to come over and proceed to start hassling me. Given where I lived (tantamount to gang territory) and the fact that I was a teen out past 11PM, this was annoying, but not a huge surprise. The first question they asked me was "where am I going?" I said home. They asked where home is, and I could point to my window from where I was standing. That wasn't good enough. They decided they were going to demand that I "empty my pockets on the hood of the car". I refused, at which point they accused me of having something to hide. But what they didn't know was that I was taking classes in Canadian law at my high school, and had already covered the section on statutes on search and seizure and probable cause. So I told them flat out: "Give me your badge number, and I'll empty my pockets. And, when you find nothing there, I'll be down at your station tomorrow with a lawyer and I won't leave until I have your job because I gave you no probable cause to stop me, let alone undergo a search and seizure of my personal belongings. And if you don't like it, fuck off". Needless to say, they got back in their car and told me to go home. And I did, smiling.