Guide to Being Cool in College

1. Hair: Do you put effort into making your hair seem cool? Don’t. All cool kids put zero effort into their hair. When it’s messy, you do nothing. When it gets long, you never under any circumstances PAY for a haircut! There is nothing more uncool than paying somebody to cut your hair. You can either do it yourself, or occasionally push the hair out of your face with your fist. Using fingers shows effort and that’s simply uncool. Some people put a lot of effort into making their hair look unkempt; however, that effort shows and oftentimes you’re left looking considerably less cool. Oh, and shave every third Tuesday, but not with a blade, with a stick.

2. Clothes: Hey, when did you buy that outfit you’re wearing? Did your answer start with a “two thousand”? Because if so, you’re not cool. The clothes you wear today should be the ones you wore in seventh grade. The smaller, the more worn down, the better. Is your shirt so thin you can see your nipples through it? Great. Now you’re getting somewhere, nerd. The shirt you wore to sixth-grade PE is a great start. How about a sports team that doesn’t exist anymore? Anything Quebec Nordiques or Vancouver Grizzlies=instant cool.

3. Demeanor: Do not speak loudly. No cool person speaks loudly. Say few, small words, but every once in a while drop a really big one just to show you’ve got the capability, but you’re just too cool to use it. Example:

GIRL: Hey.
YOU: Sup.
GIRL: I’ve never noticed you before. I like your shirt—PE, huh? It’s cute.
YOU: Sup.
GIRL: I like your hair—is that effort I see?
YOU: You know it ain’t, bitch. Sesquipedalian.
GIRL: SWOOOOON

Shakespeare once wrote, “To thine own self be true.” However, you should focus on Shakespeare’s more subtle philosophical points about dressing up as people and acting like characters. Cooler characters.


From our book, the CollegeHumor Guide to College.