It's the end of August, and the end of summer. You may have accomplished a lot, or if you're like me, you may have accomplished nothing. You may have, say, gone backpacking through Europe, or you may have spent your summer locked in your garage trying to construct a death-ray so you could take over the world but halfway through construction it blew up and you had to spend like a month and a half in the hospital but at least now I have a pretty kickass prosthetic leg that I can show off at social gatherings.

Either way, the end of summer marks the beginning of school. The months of irresponsible boozing and partying are gone and are now replaced by…well, more months of irresponsible boozing and partying, but this time you have to hand in a paper every now and then. School is tough and difficult. Classes, papers, homework, studying. All the stress. All so you can get a single letter at the end of the semester telling you whether or not you're a genius who will go on to cure cancer or a retard who likes to wash down paint chips with a nice tall bottle of Elmer's Glue.

Fortunately, I can help you. School is really only as stressful as you allow it to be. With my tips, you will have the most stress-free year possible.

First things first – books. Nobody likes to buy books. They are expensive and you only ever really use like ten pages throughout the whole semester. Some decent advice would be to buy the books, figure out the pages you need, photocopy them, then return the books for a refund. But there's a reason that is only decent advice – you still have to do all that work. No, the correct solution is to not buy the books. If you don't buy the books, then you don't have to spend the money. You don't have to waste time going to the bookstore. You don't have to spend all that time doing readings. To combat the problem, you have to attack the source. The money you spend on books can be better used on food, booze, condoms, booze, abortion fees (if you neglect condoms), booze, sporadic trips to Tijuana, booze, bribing cops in Tijuana, booze, and then a little bit more booze.

Next on the list – papers. No, not rolling papers, you one-track-minded little pothead you. I mean school papers, essays, assignments. If you're like me, congratulations, you rule. But also, if you're like me, most of your homework involves writing long boring papers about shit you just don't really care about. And then all the formats, MLA, APA. The citations and bibliographies and ugh. All that work. Plagiarism is tempting, but getting caught for it sucks. Therefore, the best solution is to simply not write the papers. Just like with buying books, to combat the problem, attack the source. If you don't write the papers, you don't have to worry about doing the research. You don't have to spend all that time. The time you spend on writing papers can be better spent on eating, boozing, sexing, boozing, aborting, boozing, tripping to Tijuana, boozing, bribing Tijuanianeseistani cops, boozing, and if you have time, a little bit more boozing.

Now for one of the worst – studying. Taking all that stuff you're supposed to learn in class and hammering it into your head until it's a bloody pulp of skull and gore and education. Following is a list of the things you would rather be doing than studying:

1.) Anything

So what alternatives are there? Well, you could try cramming as much as possible before an exam, but that's ineffective, since you're still studying, you're just doing a crappy job at it. The answer is to not study. Combat problem, attack source. Think of all the free time you would have if you simply just didn't study. Time you could spend eating, boozing, realizing when you're about to kill a joke and quitting while you're ahead.

There's just one more stressful thing about school – going to class. Think about it. It's Friday morning. Thirsty Thursdays at your favorite bar has left you a hungover pile of vomit and piss. You have about as much dignity as money in your wallet. It's 8 in the morning and your alarm clock is very annoyingly screaming at you to get your stinky ass up to go to class. There is no way you can go to Psychology and listen to your professor drone on about how Freud thinks we're all a bunch of literal motherfuckers. What to do? That's right, the answer is to not go to class. Just stop going. Even better, don't even register for classes. Don't even go to college. No college means no class, no studying, no papers, no books. Most importantly, it means no stress.

That's right, it's really that simple. You don't even have to do anything. Just stay home. Play Xbox. Watch porn. Read this website. You will be living the ultimate stress-free lifestyle. College is overrated anyways. And that, my friends, is why I'm the assistant manager in the produce department at Safeway and you're nose-deep in some Business Law textbook. Sure, high school kids make fun of me and even beat me up on occasion, but that's okay. If you want to live the ultimate stress-free college lifestyle, then just don't go to college. You'll thank me for it later.