I went jogging this morning an activity usually reserved for a bored Saturday once every three months. However I had no choice today because I was awakened at 4.30 am by a trash compactor prowling the alley behind my house.
It was nice for a change to have the warm morning freshness rub against my face as I plowed through the air like a bulldozer. I thought I was doing well working off all the beer I've been drinking and clearing my arteries of pizza particles. Then I stepped in the largest pile of dog shit I have ever seen in my life. I heard a loud squish that echoed down the empty alleyway. I actually felt its size as the crap slid up my ankle and curled up over the sole of my shoe, staining the fabric sides and top.
Mildly disgusted, I pulled off my shoe and scraped most of it off on the stop sign. Then I ran home half barefoot, getting funny looks from fellow joggers. On a side note, the poop is still chilling on the sign. I saw it as I drove home from work.
I knew I had to get rid of the shoe as soon as I got home. It smelled like Ladner and had brown patches all up and down over it. The first thing that popped to mind was of course the washing machine my nemesis. I decided to let all soft feelings go and just stick my inshittered shoes in the big gaping mouth of a hole in the washer. Eat that, Laundromat. Somehow I managed to twist a couple knobs right and pour enough blue goo into the machine to get it to work. Only after I jumped in the shower did I realize that doing so was a very fucking stupid idea. So I did what I always do in such situations: I decided to see if it turns out cool. Here's my log of observations:
5:12 AM Got out of the shower. Accidentally flashed the yard waste pickup guys in the alley as I walked to the window to grab my pants. They seemed jealous.
5:13 AM Ran to the laundry room because I heard water pouring. Was happy to see that it wasn't pouring outside of the washer.
5:27 AM making eggs in the microwave the right way. I suddenly felt the ground shake. Quickly found cover under the table and counted to 60
5:28 AM Got out from under the table. Realized it's just the stupid washing machine that's causing the ruckus.
5:35 AM Loud humming noise emanating from the washer. It sounds like a constipated horse. Hope I didn't break anything yet.
5:41 AM Buzzing stops and I hear a pop. Wonder what the hell? I go over there and try to open the lid, and it turns out that a lock has engaged. I pry it open with my car keys by pulling back the lock flap.
5:42 AM I look inside and am surprised to find my Swiss army knife chilling at the bottom of the washing machine. I sure hope its stainless steel.
5:45 AM dryer making thundering noise. It sounds like there's a midget kicking the inside of it.
5:46 AM that's so freaking annoying.
5:47 AM I open the dryer and out flies my shoe and kicks me in the left kidney. I take my shoe and wrap it in a towel, then throw it back in. The sound is muffled significantly and I no longer fear that the shoe will knock the rattling rivets out of the dryer.
6:11 AM The very loud buzzer sounds and awakes me from my slumber. I go to look at the shoe. It's still tied snugly in the towel. I pull it out to inspect it. It is stain free and sparkling, though slightly damp. Conclusion: Yes, you can wash shoes in the machine.
FYI, you can wash light jogging shoes and non-leather boots in the washing machine. Just make sure you wash them like you would whites and dry it in a double-knotted towel. I don't recommend throwing them in with your bar clothes though.