I went jogging this morning – an activity usually reserved for a bored Saturday once every three months. However I had no choice today because I was awakened at 4.30 am by a trash compactor prowling the alley behind my house.

It was nice for a change to have the warm morning freshness rub against my face as I plowed through the air like a bulldozer. I thought I was doing well – working off all the beer I've been drinking and clearing my arteries of pizza particles. Then I stepped in the largest pile of dog shit I have ever seen in my life. I heard a loud squish that echoed down the empty alleyway. I actually felt its size as the crap slid up my ankle and curled up over the sole of my shoe, staining the fabric sides and top.

Mildly disgusted, I pulled off my shoe and scraped most of it off on the stop sign. Then I ran home half barefoot, getting funny looks from fellow joggers. On a side note, the poop is still chilling on the sign. I saw it as I drove home from work.

I knew I had to get rid of the shoe as soon as I got home. It smelled like Ladner and had brown patches all up and down over it. The first thing that popped to mind was of course the washing machine – my nemesis. I decided to let all soft feelings go and just stick my inshittered shoes in the big gaping mouth of a hole in the washer. Eat that, Laundromat. Somehow I managed to twist a couple knobs right and pour enough blue goo into the machine to get it to work. Only after I jumped in the shower did I realize that doing so was a very fucking stupid idea. So I did what I always do in such situations: I decided to see if it turns out cool. Here's my log of observations:

5:12 AM – Got out of the shower. Accidentally flashed the yard waste pickup guys in the alley as I walked to the window to grab my pants. They seemed jealous.

5:13 AM – Ran to the laundry room because I heard water pouring. Was happy to see that it wasn't pouring outside of the washer.

5:27 AM – making eggs in the microwave the right way. I suddenly felt the ground shake. Quickly found cover under the table and counted to 60

5:28 AM – Got out from under the table. Realized it's just the stupid washing machine that's causing the ruckus.

5:35 AM – Loud humming noise emanating from the washer. It sounds like a constipated horse. Hope I didn't break anything yet.

5:41 AM – Buzzing stops and I hear a pop. Wonder… what the hell? I go over there and try to open the lid, and it turns out that a lock has engaged. I pry it open with my car keys by pulling back the lock flap.

5:42 AM – I look inside and am surprised to find my Swiss army knife chilling at the bottom of the washing machine. I sure hope its stainless steel.

5:45 AM – dryer making thundering noise. It sounds like there's a midget kicking the inside of it.

5:46 AM – that's so freaking annoying.

5:47 AM – I open the dryer and out flies my shoe and kicks me in the left kidney. I take my shoe and wrap it in a towel, then throw it back in. The sound is muffled significantly and I no longer fear that the shoe will knock the rattling rivets out of the dryer.

6:11 AM – The very loud buzzer sounds and awakes me from my slumber. I go to look at the shoe. It's still tied snugly in the towel. I pull it out to inspect it. It is stain free and sparkling, though slightly damp. Conclusion: Yes, you can wash shoes in the machine.

FYI, you can wash light jogging shoes and non-leather boots in the washing machine. Just make sure you wash them like you would whites and dry it in a double-knotted towel. I don't recommend throwing them in with your bar clothes though.