Issue #75

All reading. No learning.

I don't know who started the myth that mixing Pop Rocks and Coke will kill you. In me and my friends' experience, the Pop Rocks are completely unnecessary.

-Giancarlo Fiorentini

Honest Pick-Up Line

Are you from Tennessee? 'Cause I've been stalking your Facebook page.

-Jonah Griss-Bush

I just invented a new cocktail combining my two favorite drinks:a sex on the beach and a Manhattan. It's called a Sex and the City.

-Shawn Pearlman

My last girlfriend once sent me some racy photos and jokingly told me they were for "educational purposes only," so when she broke up with me I jokingly uploaded them to the Wikipedia page for vagina.

-Kevin Corrigan

Humanitarian Shortcuts

Help a family find a lost pet… Tell them where you buried it.

-David Dameron

I think the best word to describe me would be "unable to follow self imposed word count guidelines."

-Conor McKeon

When I was in the 6th grade the bigger kids would constantly beat me up. So I started working out every day after school, and before I knew it I was strong enough to break open my dad's gun chest.

-Patrick Cassels

Staunch McCain Supporting Lobbyist Hits on Michelle Obama

—I could bounce a quarter off that ass, girl. Which, if your husband gets elected would be worth 22 cents in four years. The quarter, not your sweet ass.
—Barack said when it came to lobbyists he wouldn't succumb. Can I convince you to do otherwise?
—Unlike your "husband" I won't pull out early.

-Amir Blumenfeld

"I'm drunk, you're Asian, let's f*ck," has never worked as a pick-up line for me. But I refuse to throw it away, at least until I get to try it out on an Asian.

-Adam Newman

The hardest part about my grandmother's death was making it seem like an accident.

-Dick David

Click here to submit your own 105%.