Alex Rodriguez: Always Clutch at the Wrong Time

New York Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez is often derided by the media for coming through when situations are no longer important, i.e. hitting a homerun when his team is up or down by eight runs.

Arod – Honey, kids, dinner is ready! I made chop suey!

Wife – I’m in our room!

Arod – Dinner’s ready. Where are the kids? Wait, why are you in bed?

Wife – It’s 11 o’clock. The kids are asleep and I’m reading before I also go to bed.

Arod – What about dinner?

Wife – You said you were going to cook, but then you just stared meekly at the stove in silence for six hours. We ordered Dominoes.

Arod – Oh, wow.

Wife – Yeah.

Arod- I’m very sorry Madonna.

Wife – What’d you call me?

Arod (answering the phone) – Hello?

IRS Agent – Hello, Mr. Rodriguez, how are you doing tonight?

Arod – Good. Who is this?

IRS Agent – I’m with the IRS. I’d like to begin preliminary procedures regarding an audit on your taxes this year.

Arod – Whoa, whoa, hold on, I know for a fact that I filed them perfectly. I bought one of those ‘idiot’s-guide-to’ books and followed all the rules! I sent my taxes in just last week!

IRS Agent – You do know it’s July, right?

Arod – Oh… so it is.

IRS Agent – Alright, so I’m going to begin with your write-offs for charitable donations. It says here that you gave “two million dollars for the cause of cleaning up the Exxon Valdez spill”???

Arod – That’s right; the Alaskan government was more than happy to receive my donation. I can’t let another day go by in which those lovable seals are drowning in oil.

IRS Agent - Yikes, you’re serious, aren’t you?

Arod – Honey! Quick, get in here! I finally got that erection! Honey! Hurry up! We can have sex now!

Proctologist – Wow, uh, okay Mr. Rodriguez, if you could just be kind enough, you know, to bend back over the patient table, um, so I could retrieve my hand.

Arod – Honey! Get in here! Quick! It’s huge! Honey! Honey? Madonna?