Mark Zuckerberg's Next Project

Mark Zuckerberg: Hey, Man! I got a status report that you were out of town this weekend! Trip to Madison, right? How was it?

Me: Oh, it was a great time, but you already knew that. I’m assuming you saw all the pictures already.

MZ: Ha! You better believe I did! So… what do you think?

Me: Of what?

MZ: Of the new redesign of your kitchen that I did while you were away!

Me: You redesigned my kitchen?

MZ: Sure did! I took everything and moved it into more convenient places!

Me: Where’s my toaster?

MZ: Oh, that old thing? You don’t want a boring old toaster, not when there’s the new GEORGE FORMAN COUNTERTOP TOASTER GRILL NOW AVAILABLE FOR JUST $49.95.

Me: But I don’t have one  of those, and I don’t want one. I just want to use my toaster to make toast.

MZ: Look at how much countertop space you have now! I’ll bet you could fit a lot of fancy new appliances on it! Did you know that Black and Decker has a great sale going on right now? Your friend Steve just bought a new Automatic Bread Cooker. He thinks it’s pretty sweet. See, now you’ve got room to buy one too!

Me: That’s true… and, uh, thanks… but…

MZ: You don’t sound too enthusiastic. Is something wrong?

Me: No, no… it’s nothing like that.

MZ: You’re not going to freak out, like that time when I showed your baby album to the entire girls’ vollyball team, are you?

Me: Uh…

MZ: Because you let me look at those pictures once, so I had every right to let everyone else look at them and encourage them to post comments about the size of your freakishly large head. You know that.

Me: No, no… I’m past that.

MZ: Then what’s the problem? I came in here and did you a favor, man, geez!

Me: I’m just a little confused, that’s all. The way I arranged my kitchen said a lot about me, you know? I never liked having it cluttered up with a bunch of junk that I don’t use.

MZ: Oh, good. I’m glad we’re on the same page.

Me: Huh? No… what I’m saying is—

MZ: Look here! I combined your toaster, microwave, blender, and stovetop into a single appliance, then I mounted it to your ceiling. What do you think?

Me: I dunno… seems pretty inconvenient. How do I use it?

MZ: You just press the buttons. You’ll figure it out. Steve’s been using his for two weeks now. Hey, look! Now you’ve got room to put that awesome unicorn egg I gave you last semester on your countertop where everyone can see it! And you can put the vampire action figure next to it, and you know what would look great next to that? This American Airlines poster that you never would have had room for if I hadn’t redesigned your kitchen.

Me: That’s an advertisement. I don’t want an advertisement in my kitchen.

MZ: Hm? Hey, that reminds me. Did you fly to Madison, or what? You never told me. What gives?