Issue #77

More fun than a barrel of monkeys struggling to breathe.

Honest Crotch Grab

Whoa, is that your cell phone, or is your cube-shaped d*ck vibrating?

-Sarah Schneider

I know I'm dealing with an idiot when someone tells me "nothing rhymes with orange", because nothing and orange don't sound anything alike.

-Jeff P.

Darth Vader…worst hide-and-go-seek player ever.

-Nate S

A smart Halloween costume for a poor person is a Jehovah's Witness.

-Conor McKeon

All black people look alike: Handsome.

-Amir Blumenfeld

If that band Starship is so great, how come they were dumb enough to build an entire city on something as structurally unstable-sounding as "rock and roll?"

-Patrick Cassels

One of the most Unacceptable Ways to Buy Weed

With a credit card.

-Sean Brogan

I've never been in an orgy, but I did bang a carny in a House of Mirrors. There were 87 of us.

-Dom Tetro

Awkward Conversation Between New Roommates

Black Guy: Should I get some of that spray on deodorant stuff?
White Guy: Nope. It's pretty gay if you "Axe" me.
Black Guy: F*ck you.
White Guy: Oh, no. I didn't mean it like African-Americans say it.
Black Guy: I'm gay.

-Patrick Christopher N.

My biggest fear has always been getting my head chopped off. My second biggest fear is not coordinating with my body afterward to fumble around reaching for my head while simultaneously gasping for air. My third biggest fear is clouds.

-Kevin Corrigan

I recently walked in on my son smoking pot, and thought, "That's weird, I don't have any kids."

-Marc Butcavage