Good news, guys, we have a G-Spot! Best of all, it is conveniently located in your ass! Let me introduce you to Mr. Prostate, or as Cosmopolitan Magazine could only say it "the ultimate magic button to push if you want to blow his mind in bed." According to a recent article, girls are not the only ones blessed with a little "magic button" that can release a roller coaster of pleasure (and I'm not talking about this). Usually a name uttered with the utmost discontent, the Prostate has been known to cause men nightmares for two reasons:
1. 1 in 6 men will be diagnosed with Prostate Cancer this year.
2. The only way to check for Prostate Cancer is to have a doctor stick his finger up the butt.
Naturally then, it should come as a surprise that a magazine with such high credentials as Cosmo would make such a claim. I've had my Prostate examined before, and let me assure you, having an old man's finger up my ass was not sensual. Actually, it was quite humiliating. At least at the doctor I knew what to expect, but this article suggests women should surprise their men by plugging their no-no spot. Why would any woman think that this would work for her guy? Sure, I mean, who hasn't had a finger up his or her ass? But these things need to be prepared for. Tell me not to eat hot wings the day before and make sure you get me right after the shower. All the precautions taken care of, feel free to go digging for orgasmic gold in my asshole.
Of course, because the article is aimed at women, they feel the need to give instructions. Ladies, simply "place a finger in his anus," then locate "a round bulb of tissue" and "(l)ightly tap or swirl your fingertip around it." This just goes to show why women should not provide other women with advice on male sexuality. First off, I'm a least a two, maybe three finger kind of guy. Second, my girlfriend has to search for a "round bulb" inside of my butt? I'm sure she will find something round in there, but I'm not so sure it will be my prostate. Then she needs to swirl her fingertip around it? Gross, we are one step away from having another "2 Girls 1 Cup" fiasco.
While Cosmo may be forgiven for suggesting anal surprises, they go too far when the claim burning a man's penis can provide pleasure. Sure, they don't say it exactly like that, but suggesting women should "hold a mug of hot water for five seconds" before playing with Mr. Happy is close enough. I can't even stand holding a hot mug; I certainly would not grab my member afterwards. Besides, think of the possible dangers involved. Some girls are clumsy, and I do not like the possibility of hot water being spilt in my very sensitive area.
In an effort to demonstrate their class, Cosmo also suggests butt massages. The article describes the alleged "X-Spot," so called because the "crack between his buttocks, the creases where each butt cheek meets the backs of his thighs, plus the creases of his inner thighs form an X." Now, don't get me wrong, I would love to have my girlfriend massage my butt, but I do not think she shares my enthusiasm. Unless you are Brad Pitt or Barrack Obama, no one wants to see your butt, nonetheless massage it. I certainly would not want to massage a butt like mine, which is covered in more hair than the North Georgia Bigfoot. But if you ladies are willing to brave my gluts, why not just stick your tongue up there too, right? "To top it off, swirl your tongue around the most sizzling point: the center of his X-spot, where the two lines cross," suggests Cosmo. Yes, I'm sure every woman's dream is to swap spit with my poop shoot.
Normally, I would overlook such journalistic nonsense, but Cosmo is a repeat offender in steering women the wrong way, especially when it comes to providing them with advice on pleasuring men. Rarely will their articles provide decent advice, such as being quiet during his favorite shows, putting the toilet seat up after peeing, or role playing key political figures, like Sarah Palin, or better yet, Nancy Regan. You know the real things that turn us guys on.
I think Cosmo needs to just quit providing advice (lies) about guys. Just as men will never understand women, women are not supposed to understand men, which is why they cannot appreciate the comedic value of farts.
Ladies, it does not take a rocket scientist to know what men really want. While most guys are open to experimentation, the bedroom is no place for surprises. Just as you would not enjoy being surprised by a small, disappointing package, or for that matter, a huge, unwanted one delivered to the wrong address, there is no need for sudden improv in the middle of the most important five minutes of his day.
And Cosmo, if you insist on continuing to provide sex advice to women, hire someone who knows what they are talking about. Consider this my application.