Your Typical Alternative School Newspaper

On every college campus across the world, a constant battle rages between the monotonous daily news publication and the hip, underground alternative news source. This “anti-school” paper represents everything awesome about college. Where else could you read articles about getting drunk and hooking up with skanks? I mean seriously, where else could anyone get that type of content? Through this monopoly of all stories cool, the alternative school newspaper captures the hearts and minds of their student body. Unfortunately, their editorial staff (and content for that matter) is typically just as lackluster as their mainstream counterparts. Below are some personality profiles for the editorial staff working at your typical alternative school newspaper.


Phil “Fuck It” Rizzaro: Remember that guy who was a friend of a friend who wouldn’t shut up about how many “fucking sluts he fucking fucked so fucking hard last week-fucking-end?” Guess what? He’s a journalism major and he’s currently writing the opinion column for your underground school paper. Similar to the way he pads his conversations with profanity, “Fuck It” Phil attempts to convey his overall disgust with school policy/police/sorority girls by using more expletives than adjectives. This personality will also throw in the occasional usage of cunt, not for dramatic effect but simply for variety.

Bethany “Bitter Bitch” Parkes: Not even an uber-cool student run publication can escape the demand for diversity in todays media market. That, and that reason alone, is why “Bitter Bitch” currently writes the relationship (read:sex) column. Aside from the fact that Bethany and her contemporaries are grossly underqualified to write articles about relationships, they write for a publication that is read almost entirely by alcohol loving male students. “Bitter Bitch” compensates by writing about her sexual encounters with males and their inevitable conclusions: abortion and man-hating. Who in the fucking fuck wants to read that fucking shit? Huh? Fuck!

Sam “Shooter” Roberts: This alternative newspaper personality is incredibly proud of his work. The enourmous responsibility of finding the newest and most delicious alchoholic mixtures falls squarely on the shoulders of the aptly named “Shooter.” I cringe to think how much real thought this editor puts into his column. I can see him sitting at his desk with 50 liquor bottles and a laptop having the most traumatic case of mixer’s block ever. Congratulations, your entire journalistic career is already located at drinksmixer.com.

Eric “Same Old Joke” Wright: This personality is the lowest writer on the underground school paper totem pole. He’s usually responsible for the “filler” elements of the publication. “Same Old Joke” writes the unbelievably original fake horoscopes that always seem to include something bad happening to you. He’s also a master at creating the crossword that leaves you wondering what a three letter word for “A place where you drink on the weekend” is.

There you have it. Although this is not a comprehensive list, and though it may not represent all of the future copy-editors of America, it does give you a look at what kind of people write for these watered down versions of truly funny publications. Until next time, look for my most recent article in your badass alternative school newspaper, it’s called “All These Motherfuckers Playing Their Stupid Ass Shitty Music At My Fucking Party.”