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105%-O-Matic

Issue #78

by 105%-O-Matic on

Free for all! Entertaining for none!

I hate when people tell me a book is a real page turner. I know how books work.
-Steve Schrader
I’ve always fancied myself as a sort of “Renaissance Man”, in that my lack of hygiene and sanitation knowledge has caused the death of almost every single member of my family by way of plague.
-Conor McKeon
Adding 10 vitamins & minerals to Lucky Charms is like putting a bouncy castle in Nazi Germany.
-Dan Gurewitch
Bob Dylan hosts Jeopardy!
Dylan: The answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind.
Contestant: What is my kite?
-Tim Afterban
I find it odd that people refer to sex as “the birds and the bees,” because I talk about birds AND bees more than anyone, yet somehow I’m still a virgin.
-Patrick Cassels
I may not know anything about “the election” or “english” but denk de appel gaatwinnen. Dan he’ ll ben onze eerste minister of iets! lol.
-Amir Blumenfeld
Dimensions in which that shirt looks good on you
-The Bizarro Dimension
-The It’s-Always-Opposite-Day Dimension
-The All-Shirts-Look-Awesome-On-Everyone Dimension
-The No-One-Has-Eyeballs-And-So-Your-Guess-Is-As-Good-As-Mine Dimension
-Specifically Not This Dimension
-Owen Parsons
Last winter I was climbing Mt. Everest and explaining to one of my friends that I was magic and could make things happen just by saying them. He didn’t believe me, so I yelled “avalanche!”
-Kevin Corrigan
irony
I think it’s funny that 99% of the people who use the phrase, “Monkey see, monkey do” have heard it from someone before using it.
-Gabriel Prosser
Conservative saying
Big carbon footprint, big meat
-Tom Sunnergren
Thoughts on the VP selections
Is it wrong that I have dirty sexual thoughts about a VP candidate? You know, Cause I really want to fuck Joe Biden.
-Sam Wagner
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Hail "Thatan"

To My Dear Roommate: I'm sorry if I made you fear for your life. I'm not a Satanist. I just wanted you to GTFO for a few days so I could move out in peace. Since you (among all your other "charming" qualities) always taunted me mercilessly about my speech impediment and I know you love doing your Helen Keller impressions for the hearing-impaired girl across the... Read More » hall, I just didn't want you bullying my deaf father while he helped me move my fridge out from underneath your garbage. I probably went to far with the altar and the upside-down cross, but I didn't see your ugly mug again until I was comfortably situated in my new room. Admittedly, I felt a little guilty when you handed me a "Have You Let Christ into Your Heart?" pamphlet a week later. Thorry about that, thister.