Issue #78

Free for all! Entertaining for none!

I hate when people tell me a book is a real page turner. I know how books work.

-Steve Schrader

I've always fancied myself as a sort of "Renaissance Man", in that my lack of hygiene and sanitation knowledge has caused the death of almost every single member of my family by way of plague.

-Conor McKeon

Adding 10 vitamins & minerals to Lucky Charms is like putting a bouncy castle in Nazi Germany.

-Dan Gurewitch

Bob Dylan hosts Jeopardy!

Dylan: The answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind.
Contestant: What is my kite?

-Tim Afterban

I find it odd that people refer to sex as "the birds and the bees," because I talk about birds AND bees more than anyone, yet somehow I'm still a virgin.

-Patrick Cassels

I may not know anything about "the election" or "english" but denk de appel gaatwinnen. Dan he' ll ben onze eerste minister of iets! lol.

-Amir Blumenfeld

Dimensions in which that shirt looks good on you

-The Bizarro Dimension
-The It's-Always-Opposite-Day Dimension
-The All-Shirts-Look-Awesome-On-Everyone Dimension
-The No-One-Has-Eyeballs-And-So-Your-Guess-Is-As-Good-As-Mine Dimension
-Specifically Not This Dimension

-Owen Parsons

Last winter I was climbing Mt. Everest and explaining to one of my friends that I was magic and could make things happen just by saying them. He didn't believe me, so I yelled "avalanche!"

-Kevin Corrigan