Four days ago I quit smoking. Done. Finished. Cold Turkey. The cravings aren't so bad now, but for the first day, I had some problems. Luckily, I wrote it down.

Hour 1- Just finished my last cigarette. I stubbed it out, and now I quit. Huh. This isn't so bad….

Hour 2- God DAMN I need a smoke bad. Maybe theres some left in the packet…No…Damn..Maybe there's some nicotine in the celophane…..I licked the clear off the plastic, but it didn't stop the craving…..

Hour 3- God….It's hot!….I'm getting sweaty….I need to get these pants off….Sweet Jesus in spandex! I'm freezing! But why am I still sweating? The hell?!? What's with these hot flashes?!?….. I'm not putting those pants back on.They're evil…… I'll just wear this poncho instead….. And hope that it's not windy…

Hour 4- According to this article, part of my nicotine fit cravings is psychological. This says to eat baby carrots to help cure the cravings. Well I just happen to have a full bag, so let's find out…..

Hour 5- I still got half a bag….I'm slowly starting to get a handle on things….I'm in control….I'm in control….I'm in…wha….Who the hell took my carrots What's going on!?!? wait, what's this by my chair…A tiny white hat…Goddamn Smurf's!

Hour 6- I just finished getting into a screaming match with my neighbor. Apparently she finds it offensive that someone would be naked, wearing nothing but a poncho, on a very windy day, face covered in warpaint, and is screaming while waving a flaming torch in one hand, while beating the grass, bushes, and the walls of his house with a club with the other. Apparently she also finds it offensive that when asked if I was okay, I spit screamed back at her "Smurfs took my carrots! I need something crunchy! Did you smoke? Lemme suck your fingertips!"

Well excuuuuuuse me! But I thought this was America!…….. Probably didn't help ,atters that I was drooling when I said that last part….

Hour 7- The cops find me huddled in the bushes, shivering, face smeared with paint, naked but for a poncho and a tattered loincloth made of smurf skin. They're about to taze me when I tell them that I'm trying to quit smoking. They tell me "Good for you!", but that I also need to get a grip on myself.

I decide to use my powers of invisibility on them to escape. I strip off all my clothes, and dance about them while cackling "HaHAAA! Where did he go? is this his voice, or that of a spooky ghost? oooOOOOooo!" I then run inside, and find some clothes, because being invisible for too long makes me chafe. Plus I need to go to the store for more carrots.

Hour 8- I say piss on the carrots, and instead go to the drugstore for nicotine gum. The first store didn't carry any. The second store didn't carry any. The third store didn't carry any, but they did sell cigarrettes. I lose it again, and go on another smurf destroying spree, but this time against drugstores.

My hulk rampage of destruction does not go as far as I intended. I got as far as screaming in rage, ripping off my shirt and pants, and began hammering furiously on the countertops.

I bruised my knuckle.

Then I saw a box of gum. I then calmly made my purchase and exited the store, taking care to run down as many back alleys as I could, in case they called the cops again.

 I am now rational, calm, and absolutely refuse to believe any of the above happened. But something must have, because I'm covered in blood and chicken feathers. And where are my clothes?

I need another piece of gum.