I was invited to a party.
 

"What"?!? you ask. "Neugin?!? Leaving his life of a hermit and joining society?!" To which I reply "Who are you?! What are you doing in my house!? Are you the guv'mint?! Come to take my porn garden away?!" And also "Shut the toilet lid when you flush! You'll attract Snorks!"

But it was true. With the exception of my daily pot of coffee, clydesdale sized dose of horse tranquilizer pill, topped off by a single lick from my stolen russian plutonium rod, I am relatively drug free. And as we all know, drug free people don't get invited to parties.

And why should they?

Holier than thou attitudes are a huge bring down to the "cool" people who are busy trying to destroy their livers and lungs while attempting sloppy sex with each other.

So I was a bit shocked when I was invited. Then I remembered that I practiced my Neugin's guide to party etiquette, so I accepted their invite, and also gave them my standard 'heads up' while I had their attention.

"I'll go to your party" I said, "But I'm telling you now, so there won't be any hard feelings in the future, I will have sex with your wife, then pretend to not know about it the next day, then I'll urinate in your closet, lewdly 'cop a feel' from the produce in your fridge, then strip naked in your bedroom, wrap your bedsheets around me to form a crude diaper before passing out in your front yard while trying to half heartedly masturbate in said sheets."

I didn't do it.

He graciously accepted my invite, then kept his wife well away from me the entire night. As well as locking his bedroom door. But I did manage to urinate in his closet, and molest his vegetables.

Why? Two reasons. One is because it's expected of you at a party.

The party was dying, people were drunk, and but they were just still doing the polite chatter. Finally the conversation began to slowly die out. The host stood up, looked around confused, a single tear ran down his cheek and asked "Why is no one attempting to molest my vegetables? Or my wife for that matter? Why has no one picked a fight with our garden gnome? We bought it for that one reason, Oh dear, I believe our party is a failure."

So I stepped up and became the hero.

I saved the party, and therefore made it a hit by peeing on everything, humping his watermelons, touching his potatos like they were at bible camp, and attacking his spouse as if she were the last person on earth, before passing out naked atop a shattered garden gnome in their front yard.

Their party was a hit, and will be talked about for years to come.

The second reason to do these things is because this way, when the cops show up at their door (And they will) you won't be arrested.

The host will tell the cops as you dance by in the background "Yes officer, I know he's pantsless, standing in the yard with a towel around his head, made to look like an egyptian headdress, with his hands on his hips like superman, genitals and towel flapping in the breeze, But this is normal behavior. Yes, I know he's screaming at the top of his lungs to passing traffic "I am the Erect Avenger! All ladies come share in my gooey justice!" But I assure you, he is sober. No he is not insane..Well…"

"Yes officer, I know he's picking a fight with our garden gnome, but you see, he says that they look like smurfs with gigantism, and a smurf with elephantitis once said something about his mother. He's just acting out his emotions. I assure you he's sober.

No, I don't know where his pants are."

"Yes officer, I know he's stolen a dildo from my wife's dresser drawer, and used it to challenge you to sword fight him with your baton, but I assure you he's not on any medication, or alcohol.

Yes, I know he's naked, wearing our bedsheets as a cape, and is swinging the dildo about while saying "Penile Jedi am I! Obi-Makesum-Babies, they call me. Do or do not woman, there is no try". Why is he talking like that? That's how yoda talks officer. Yes, that's why his voice sounds like that. But I assure you, he's sober.

And then they will ask you to be tested for drugs, which I will pass.  Then I will be let free, and allowed to really enjoy myself at the party for the rest of the night. The hosts get something memorable to tell their friends the next day, and I am allowed to enjoy the party atmosphere without worry.

Provided it's not something like little billy's eighth birthday. Or mom's church social.

I can only tell you from experience, that these techniques will not work for all parties. Know ahead of time, if it's for adults, which ones, or who will be there.

Follow my techniques, and go have a good time.