Mitch Albom is full of crap. I have held this opinion for quite some time now, and my irrational bias was confirmed absolutely when I saw the title of his recent book, The 5 People You Meet In Heaven. For some reason, Albom thinks that once you get to Heaven, you will be the 6th and final person admitted,which doesn't seem to make much sense. Because of this, and because I didn't feel like reading any other part of the book to see if my suspicions about his intentions were incorrect, I have decided to write a book of my own, entitled The 90,980,876,454 People You Meet In Heaven. Below are a few highlights from my soon-to be published informational novel, or informationalnovel for short. Enjoy.
Chapters One Through Five Thousand: This Is A List Of All The People You Will Meet In Heaven
1.The guy who, despite being in Heaven, still finds things to complain about, which, in turn, will make you generally unhappy.
This will undoubtedly be the first person you'll run into when you get to Heaven, because he will be your roommate. When you first meet, he'll welcome you with a faint smile and a sarcastic remark about St. Peter's "less than saintly standards." He has zero social conscience, and will follow you around everywhere while constantly complaining about the cramped space and lack of central air. Whenever you find yourself talking to a friend from the past, he'll be quick to turn the conversation to the various sins he committed which he assumed would prevent him from getting into Heaven. He'll refuse to clean up his piss dribble on the toilet seat because he's, "sure they hired people for that." During every weekly Q&A session with Jesus, he'll make sure to stand up, in front of everyone else in Heaven, and ask why he keeps running into "Jews, gays, blacks, and women." He will make your Heaven experience a living Hell for the first semester. This will force you to strongly consider asking your R.A for a room change, and you would be wise to follow through with it.
136. Your wife's new "Heaven boyfriend".
Statistics show there's a good chance your wife will die in a tragic accident several years before you do. But while you're still with the living and honoring her memory by remaining faithfully single, she'll be bumpin' uglies in Heaven with anyone she damn well pleases. (By the way, "bumpin' uglies" is the only acceptable name for "sexual intercourse" in Heaven. It's a whole thing, so don't ask.) Eventually, you will see her and her new boy toy together, laughing, kissing, and having the kind of fun you once had during the first few days of marriage. The key is to not let this get you down. It is important to realize that there are a ton of babes in Heaven, and they're horny as f*ck. Your best bet is to stake out the Pearly Gates and be the first to introduce yourself to every attractive female that comes in. They'll greet you with open arms and legs. Trust me, avoiding eternal damnation is one of nature's most potent aphrodisiacs.
3,457,578. Your musical idol.
From Jimi Hendrix to Jim Morrison to Joe Jonas (whoops!), all of recent history's most popular musicians are currently in Heaven. The only stipulation for entrance was that they promised to get clean. So, within 5 minutes of meeting one of them, you will come to understand that without drugs, they are incredibly boring and uninteresting. This is true for almost all people, but especially true for comedy writers, and especially true for rock musicians. You'll soon find out that their favorite conversation starter is dental hygiene, more specifically the merits of daily flossing. So do your best to mask your ground-shattering disappointment when you meet John Lennon or Kurt Cobain and slowly realize that you'd rather be talking to anyone else but them, because aside from being a total drag, they're really insecure, too.
God is to Heaven as Karl Marx is to Communism: He is, by all accounts and measures, the reason it exists. But just like that bastard Trotsky, Satan keeps interfering with God's perfect plan. (Ironically, due to a little-known technicality,Trotsky lives in Heaven, while Karl Marx still toils in Hell. This, as they say, is why we have an appeals process.) So when you finally get to meet Him, keep in mind that He may not seem overwhelmingly happy to see you. It's not that He doesn't love you unconditionally, it's just that He has a lot on His plate right now. I mean, think about it, He has to make sure Satan never gets back into Heaven, and be a responsible Father, all while performing managerial duties for Earth, such as making sure none of the 9 other planets with intelligent life don't go through with their plan to attack us, for example. (Actually, don't think about that.)
To buy an advanced copy of The 90,980,876,472 People You Meet In Heaven, find Conor McKeon and give him 20 bucks. He promises to take your information down.