Pop Culture CliffsNotes: Oct 3

So the Vice Presidential debates were last night. Hopefully this is not news to any of you. What did you think? I personally would like to elect Joe Biden’s teeth President. Those things put on a better performance than both candidates combined.

But enough about those fake, worthless public figures, let’s talk about celebrities!

Let’s start this off right with a little Winehouse, shall we? This week, Amy punched a fan in the face because she was ‘startled’ by all the ‘flashbulbs.’ Which sounds like a sign they would have outside the monkey cage at the zoo. It’s official: Amy is so messed up she is actually devolving. (DListed)

Heather Locklear was arrested this week of a suspected DUI (which turned out to be false). Upon further investigation, it was discovered that the ‘witness’ who had called police was actually a bitter former Us Weekly employee, who then tipped off paparazzi of the imminent arrest. Holy crap, right? I’m as shocked as you that anyone would actually care that much about Heather Locklear. (IDLYITW, CelebSlam)

But never fear, Heather, everybody knows celebrities are above the law anyway. This week we learned that neither Kayne West (charged with vandalism) nor Shia LaBeouf (charged with a DUI) will face any consequences for their actions. Damn you, OJ 2.0. This is all your fault. (DListed, WWTDD)

Britney Spears has a sex tape! Maybe! Who the f*ck knows! Earlier this week, Britney’s ex-boyfriend claimed the tape existed. Then, rumors flew that she was trying to buy it. Then, her ex-boyfriend claimed he never said that. Then, Britney’s publicist got a huge check. And the circle of retarded life continues. (Egotastic, WWTDD, CelebSlam)

Well, Sharon Stone is a terrible parent. This week we heard that she once wanted to get her son foot Botox to get rid of an odor problem. Apparently it hadn’t occurred to her to try LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE. (WWTDD)

Scarlett Johanssen and Ryan Reynolds got married this weekend. You know those friends you have who start dating and then never hang out anymore? That’s how Scarlett and Ryan are to me. You guys are so lame. (IDLYITW)

Someone made a portrait of Paris Hilton using old pornography. Some jokes just write themselves. (See: Paris covered with dicks) (WWTDD)

Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson are off on some bikini vacation this week, which of course has led to a paparazzi field day. Thanks to Sam’s weird argyle bathing suit for ruining this perfectly good lesbian fantasy. (Hollywood Tuna, Egotastic)

Breaking news: Catherine Zeta Jones is a vampire and has no reflection! That is the only explanation for this hot makeup mess. It looks like she got punched in the face with bronzer. Yikes. (IDLYITW)

Janet Jackson got puked on this week. Read that again, please. Janet Jackson got PUKED ON.  Apparently her main man Jermaine Dupri had too much to drink and instead of leaning any of the 360 directions available, decided to puke in Janet’s lap. Stars: they’re just like us! (DListed)

Rumors spread this week that Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel might be getting engaged. That’s nice and all, but let’s back up and take a look at this picture. Is anyone else shocked and appalled by JT’s superlame leg tats? I feel so betrayed. (CelebSlam)

This week’s Still Got It is a unique one. It’s not based on an unnaturally taut face or an freakishly muscular arm. It’s based on the shocking fact that Khloe Kardashian, Kim Kardashian’s sister, is TWICE THE SIZE OF A NORMAL HUMAN WOMAN. Is this trick photography or something? Man. This is some Andre the Giant shit. (CelebSlam)