The Drunk Driver's Manual

From Brocabulary

If your bro is hellbent on cansportation (transporting open beer cans), remind him of a few simple rules from the drunk driver’s manual and there’s a chance he won’t go from taking a shot in his beer mug to getting his mugshot taken:

1. Don’t drink and drive
2. If you do drink and drive, don’t drink and drive on the wrong side of the road
3. Don’t drink and drive with your lights off. Same with your pants
   
4. Don’t drink and drive with your eyes closed. Do keep your doors closed
5. Don’t drink and drive into stuff
6. Avoid a rackcident or a crackcident: Don’t drink and drive while ogling tits and ass
7. Don’t get into a jackcident, either. Like the Doors said in “Roadhouse Blues,” keep your eyes on the road and your hands upon the wheel
8. Don’t blow chunks on your windshield. Cars with green-tinted windows are way more likely to get pulled over
9. Don’t hit the DUI-ve thru. Go for a Baconator at Wendy’s and you’re likely to get baconated by the cops when they see you smash into the “order here” speaker
10. Should you get baconated, don’t take the opportunity to bust out some favorite lines like, “What seems to be the officer problem? Keep insisting that there’s an officer problem and you’ll also get to say, “Don’t tase me, bro!”

Next time you’re pounding bourbon in your Suburban, or having a little pick-me-up in your pickup truck, or getting bent in your Benz, these rules should help keep you on track. And that’s on track, not on tracks. Railroad tracks are bumpy and driving on them might cause you to spill everyone’s cartinis.

Excerpted from Brocabulary: the New Manifesto of Dude Talk by Daniel Maurer Copyright © 2008 by Daniel Maurer. Excerpted by permission of Collins Living, a division of HarperCollins Publishers. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.