Harvest Cheddar Sun Chips: The Greatest Thing Ever?

The other day I was having lunch with a friend of mine when I made an incredibly bold statement.

I said, “Man, Harvest Cheddar Sun Chips are the greatest thing ever created.”

It seemed harmless enough at first, but now that I’ve had a few days to think about it, I’m wondering if I might have stepped over the line.

Don’t get me wrong; I think that Harvest Cheddar Sun Chips are fucking sweet. But the greatest thing ever created? That’s a pretty big leap.

Which brings us to today. I haven’t slept in over 40 hours, and have watched the movie Bloodsport on Spike TV twice in the past 10 hours (and might I just say, it is without question Van Damme’s greatest work). I need to figure this out. Now.

That’s why I’m going to do some side-by-side comparisons between Harvest Cheddar Sun Chips and other things that people have claimed to be the greatest thing ever created. Let’s get started with a couple of easy ones, and move up from there:

Harvest Cheddar Sun Chips or prison rape?

Let me start by saying that I’m slightly biased on this one. I’ve never actually been involved in a prison rape (neither as the rapee nor the raper), and therefore am not an expert on the subject. I have, however, watched several episodes of the HBO show Oz, which I feel makes me pretty well qualified to make this comparison.

That being said, I have to give this one to Harvest Cheddar Sun Chips. After all, thousands (maybe millions?) of prisoners have had their teeth smashed out, their anuses torn apart and their dignity stripped as a result of prison rape. Harvest Cheddar Sun Chips, on the other hand, are full of flavor and a great compliment to any picnic. Plus, who wouldn’t choose the cheddary taste of Harvest Cheddar Sun Chips over a hot load of a prison seaman?

Winner: Harvest Cheddar Sun Chips

Harvest Cheddar Sun Chips or the Holocaust?

Granted, if I would have made the statement, “Harvest Cheddar Sun Chips are the most historically significant thing ever created,” then the Holocaust would have a solid shot of winning this face-off.

However, this is about being awesome, not historically signficant. And while there are probably some angry young men out there who still think that the Holocaust was awesome, I believe that they too would agree that the death of thousands of innocent people pales in comparison to the awesome flavor you get in every bite of a Harvest Cheddar Sun Chip. Again, a no-brainer.

Winner: Harvest Cheddar Sun Chips

Harvest Cheddar Sun Chips or candy?

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Oooh, end of the line for you, Harvest Cheddar Sun Chips. No one fucks with candy. NO ONE.”

But take a moment and look at all of the facts:

Fact: Each year on Halloween parents are forced to comb through their child’s
candy sack in search of razorblades that have been conveniently hidden inside of mini candy bars.

Fact: It is impossible to place a razorblade inside of a Harvest Cheddar Sun Chip, due to the fact that Harvest Cheddar Sun Chips are light, crunchy and inpenetrable by metal (note: that last part isn’t fact, but you get the idea).

Fact: Pedophiles and kidnappers are notorious for luring children into their shady apartments and creepy rape vans using candy as their bate.

Fact: Harvest Cheddar Sun Chips are typically found in family-friendly environments, such as Subway (America’s favorite fast food chain). When was the last time you saw a carnival worker snacking on some Harvest Cheddar Sun Chips? I rest my case.

Winner: Harvest Cheddar Sun Chips

Harvest Cheddar Sun Chips or Kevin Bacon’s performance in the movie Footloose?

You had a good run, Harvest Cheddar Sun Chips. Bra-vo.