Issue #80

This week's episode: "The Prague Heist!"

I really hate swimming. Except when I'm drowning. Then I suddenly think its awesome.

-Andrew Gundrum

Priceline Hostage Negotiator

Gunman: If you don't get me a plane, I'm gonna start offin' hostages!
PHN: Don't worry, I got you your plane! Here's the ticket.
Gunman: You're charging me $99 for a coach seat on a commercial flight with a layover in Atlanta? You're awful at this.

-Andrew B.

From time to time I wish I could throw magic dust on my problems to make them disappear. Like a wizard. Or a crack addict.

-Jay Walker

Academic research tip

I developed this new research technique for when I have a paper to write on a historical figure: I Google the person's name, except I drop the last name and anagram the first. So for George Washington, I'd Google "eorgge". The only problem is it does not work at all.

-William Way

The good news about modern prisons is they've replaced bars of soap in the showers with soap dispensers. The bad news is they've installed the dispensers two feet from the floor.

-Patrick Cassels

The man who loves everything

I hate everything paraplegics stand for.

-Alex McKenzie

People say smoking weed is bad because it makes you lazy, I say it just makes doing absolutely nothing that much more fun.

-Jack S

Do homeless people in Venice tread water?

-Daniel Hurwitz

Noah Webster unsuccessfully attempts to pick up an older woman

"You know age is just a number baby… indicating how old, in years, you are relative to me."

-Amir Blumenfeld

Redundancy? Redundancy is my middle name in between my first and last names.

-Corbin Thompson

Morning commute

I like to ride the train wearing my best suit, sit next to the prettiest girl I see, reach into my bag for a copy of The Wall Street Journal, turn to her and say, "What are stocks?"

-Adam Newman

My economics professor did the most classless thing in the world yesterday by canceling our lecture.

-Don Beaver

My friend Keenan and I went to lunch together at this really authentic '50s themed restaurant. But then they made us sit at separate counters.

-Aaron Hertzog

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