Middle School Janitor Wanted Ad

From herdingscapegoats.wordpress.com

Has anyone ever noticed that the majority of middle school janitors are cut from the same cloth?  I imagine that the wanted ad in the local newspaper looks remarkably close to this…

Must be Vietnam Veteran – Applicant need not worry as student body does not resemble Vietcong as much as high school and college students.  Movements are more predictable and physical prowess has not developed as much in a 13 year old as in an 18 year old.

Must have missing appendages – Whether it be teeth, fingers, the majority of their left ear or a full head of hair, applicants must be easily identifiable to the student body with a minor deformity that they’re more than happy to show-off as long as you are willing to make physical contact with them.  Withered hands and/or limp are also acceptable.

Must have battle cry – All janitors must be able to horrify student body with battle cry before tackling “Willow” the mascot that vaguely resembles the “death tree” on hill 23 in Saigon.

Must have single name – Janitors, while remaining visually identifiable, must reserve some personal information so that the student body may never truly know who keeps that Babo container filled everyday.  Recommended names include: Mr. Schmitt or Art.

Must be mysterious – To maintain the aura of authority figure, underappreciated war hero, and slightly insane school-worker, janitor must maintain a mysterious personal life with only the rarest of public appearances.  Having been seen on Main Street of town carrying nothing but gallons of milk and wearing a necklace of ears is preferred.

Must be grizzled – All applicants will, at minimum, be as grizzled as a mountain lumberjack.  This includes, but is not limited to, hands so calloused that affection is no longer possible, chronic scruff that rivals 30-grade sandpaper, tolerance to all alcohol except moonshine, and an odd fascination with sunflowers.

Must be offensive – Willingness to refer to any student at any time as “Ms. Saigon” is a must.

Must be fucking insane – Janitor’s mental capabilities should be at legal minimum.  Duties include being seen mumbling into actual banana as if it were a phone throughout the school day.  If questioned, spacing out and memory loss are always acceptable responses.

Much thanks to Robinson Warner for his equal contribution.