Twelve Steps, To Forming Your Own Cult!

Step 1: Purchase farm. Make sure it is far from prying eyes. Also, start growing some cabbage. Don’t ask why, just grow it! Who’s the cult leader here?

Step 2:     Come up with a catchy name for cult, or just catch people in a large net and transport them to farm. Who needs a name when promises of happiness and candy will suffice? Continue cabbage production, spraying for ants remember.

Step 3: Buy large amounts of Kool-Aid, enough for around 500-2000 people to drink. Grape, preferably.

Step 4: Drink grape Kool-Aid, you’re going to need the energy for the next steps.

Step 5: Use Kool-Aid overdose to steal plenty of medical supplies from hospital to administer lobotomies to followers. Make sure to grab plenty of insulin and dialysis machines for diabetes ravaging your insides.

Step 6: Abolish clothing among female members, then abolish overweight female members. This is critical, NO FATTIES! You’re trying to run a cult not a Weight Watchers; but make sure to watch for weight among female members gorging themselves on cabbage.

Step 7: Have cult members sign over deeds to homes to you. Try to have them also sign petition for old Facebook. 

Step 8: Burn down homes and collect insurance money. Use it to buy cool robes or to pay skyrocketing mortgages on ashes left over from fire.

Step 9: Reveal plans to followers, omitting final, “journey” to followers problems.

Step 10: Buy plenty of ammunition for final, “journey”.

Step 11: Broadcast ultimatum to world leaders. Make sure that all fatties are purged because broadcast will essentially be a music video where female cult members will be grinding all up on you. Make it sexy now.

THE FINAL STEP:  Have members man the weaponry around complex. MAN the weaponry, no chicks, we’re trying to hit stuff not cry when communication problems arise in relationships. SHOOT AT CULT MEMBERS FEET TO MAKE THEM DANCE. RECORD SAID BULLET DANCE ON 16MM FILM FOR COOL FILM EFFECT. DANCE PUPPETS, DANCE!

Upload, “Sick Bullet Dance“ video to YouTube, obtain 2,000,000 views, no more, no less. Have annoying roommate chant, “Geoff Zochodne you are my God, I was wrong to doubt you” a thousand times. Collect $20 from foolish bet made by annoying roommate. Purchase 3L jug of wine with bet money and relax by watching Fraggle Rock, if so inclined.

CONTINUE CABBAGE PRODUCTION.

There you have it, you’re very own cult/petty revenge at the expense of thousands! Any additional questions, please send to callofduty4GOD@cultmasta.com