A Guide to the Presidential Candidates, By My 13 Year-Old Cousin

JOHN MCCAIN (THE OLD ONE) – Okay, so this guy keeps talking about how he’s “Maverick,” just like Mel Gibson in that one movie (can’t remember what it was called). Was the movie based on him? Probably, the dude is like a million and could have easily been alive and playing poker in the Old West. So he likes to play poker just like Phil Hellmuth, who is a total douche. I for one don’t want a total douche to be president. Plus we already had a cowboy president, and look how that turned out (I can’t remember. I think it went badly though.) And, even though it’s not his fault, he can’t raise his arms above his head. So, if the Russian president came over and they were playing Halo 3 and the Russian president got a triple kill and he put his hand up for a high five, McCain would have to sigh and shake his head “No way, Jose” and leave him hanging. Then the Russian president would get really upset and probably nuke us. That would suck.

BARACK OBAMA (THE BLACK ONE) – So if this guy got elected, he would be our first black president, just like David Palmer on “24.” That’s cool with me, David Palmer was awesome except terrorists tried to assassinate him like 12 times every single day. So would it be worth making this guy president if terrorists were always trying to kill him? I dunno. I hear he’s friends with a bunch of terrorists though, so maybe they wouldn’t try to kill him. I don’t like that he’s chillaxin’ with Osama all the time either. They probably met and were like “Oh man, our names are real similar!” and then they played some Halo 2 (I don’t think they have Halo 3 in Afghanistan yet) and just chillaxed. What if he appoints Osama to be on the Supreme Court? He’d probably make XBOX and not being a terrorist illegal and I don’t wanna be a terrorist. Eff that.

DR. RON PAUL (THE AWESOME ONE) – Dr. Ron Paul is pretty awesome. If he got elected, he would get rid of taxes, fix the economy, save the Constitution, and give everyone free checkups (he’s a doctor after all). Plus he looks like Magneto from X-Men and probably has Magneto-powers, so he could deflect a nuclear attack from Russia after McCain refuses to high five the Russian president. He would probably make my dad come home too and get Mountain Dew to make more Gamer Fuel. Seriously, that stuff was so good and it kept me fueled up while I beat Halo 3 on Heroic and I’ve been out of fuel for a long time now. Is this the whole “fuel crisis” everyone’s talking about? Ron Paul said he would fix the fuel crisis with “alternative fuels.” Different flavored Gamer Fuel? I bet he could invent a new flavor that’s even awesomer. Plus, I heard he got a Killtrocity once. In real life.