Rejected FreeCreditReport.com Submission

In case you’ve been living under a rock for the past month and haven’t heard the big news, freecreditreport.com is holding a commercial contest on YouTube, and the winner gets 15,000 dollars. Apparently, all you have to do is send a video for yourself lip-synching one of their songs. Well, f*ck that. To get a leg up on the competition, I decided to write my own lyrics and submit a video. Of course, the Nazis over at freecreditreport.com rejected it, citing some bullsh*t “standards and practices” crap. Fortunately, we live in the U.S.A (ever heard of it?), and so, without further ado, the lyrics to my freecreditreport.com contest submission:

They say a man should always dress for the job he wants/
So why am I naked in this whorehouse in northern Vermont?/
Its all because some hacker stole my identity /
Now I’m in here every evening doing stuff like bukkake /
Shoulda gone to free credit.report.com (yeehaw!)/
I should’ve seen this coming at me like that guy from Guam /
They monitor your credit and send you email alerts /
So you don’t end up in between two businessmen in skirts.

As you can imagine, the video was pretty awesome, and to get a copy, send me a message including your name, address, social security number, greatest fears, and father’s maiden name.