#1.  You care about getting laid more than any normal person should.

Sex is an important and integral part of college life.  Taking for granted that you have yet to lose your virginity, these will probably be the years in your life that your chances are highest, which probably makes you a little obsessive that your parts may soon be touching someone elses parts in ways that you only daydreamed of in health class.  But, imagining eighty different ways to pork your new crush will definitely not land you in the sack with them.  In fact, the more that you dream of violating them in unholy ways, the more awkward you'll be around them in day-to-day situations.  And we all know that social awkwardness either makes you really hot or really creepy.  Why take the chance?

#2.  You can't carry on a conversation that has to do with anything other than sex.

Ever since you hit puberty, this has, no doubt, been the most exciting phase of your life.  Sex is fairly new to you, and since you've yet to experience it, it's become your favorite topic of conversation.  Different positions, anatomical fascinations, sex toy sales at the shop downtown…These are all your usual skipping stones on the lake of sexual conversation.  What's the main reason for you bringing up these subjects?  Because you want other people to tell you what sex with an actual human being feels like.  You want to live vicariously through their experiences.  Too bad, my friend, for you will never know the touch of a woman/man.

#3. You have pictures on your facebook with people that don't even know you, claiming that you're "best friends" in the captions.

This one actually goes hand-in-hand with "stalking".  A term which often precedes "restraining-order", which, when violated, in turn, leads to "prison", where "Bubba" can fix your "problem".

#4.  You either have never watched porn, or you spend an extreme amount of time watching porn.

Porn is a fantastic medium of artistic sexual expression.  It is a sacred form of entertainment and under the right circumstances, can get you in the mood for ACTUAL SEX.  But, you are a pioneer and have decided, apparently, that voyeurism is WAY more enjoyable than ACTUAL SEX, where you have SEX with an ACTUAL person instead of just watching two or more people go at it in unrealistic situations.  What can you do about your porn addiction?  Get away from your computer and meet people in public, become acquainted, and maybe this could lead to ACTUAL SEX WITH A REAL LIFE PERSON.

#5.  Nobody wants to have sex with you.

True that.  True fucking that.