A Letter To The Democrats, From A Patriots Fan

Dear Democrats,

Let me start off by saying congratulations. The people you support with all your heart have worked really, really hard to be in this position, and it feels awesome, doesn’t it? I mean, this has been a truly epic run. And it all leads up to the big day, when it’s all going to pay off. What a feeling! At this point you’re probably wondering why I am writing this letter. It’s very simple, actually. The truth is, I know exactly how you’re feeling right now, because I experienced these very same emotions roughly 8 months ago.

It seems like there’s no way you can possibly lose this thing. Everything has worked out so perfectly. I felt the same way. I mean, there’s no way on God’s green Earth that we should have won a couple of those late-season games. But for some reason, everything worked itself out. The Ravens get screwed by the refs a couple of times, then Philip Rivers gets hurt and the Chargers still beat the Colts, and to top it all off LT pussies out during the AFC Championship Game. I mean, anything you can imagine, it all worked. Now look at you guys: You had already won the primary before Reverend Wright and William Ayers became issues, so you basically got the early shock of them out of the way before it caused any real damage. And just when McCain pulls into a dead-heat in the polls, the economy goes down the toilet, taking the discussion away from his strengths on experience and foreign policy and right to his weakness, the economy.

There isn’t an expert on television right now who truly thinks McCain can win this thing. He’s been all but written off, and the numbers support this thinking. I mean, he isn’t nearly as talented, the higher-ups in the organization are completely inferior, intellectually and strategically, compared to Obama’s, and he’s taken seemingly his best shots at him and still hasn’t gained much ground, if any. All in all, there is no empirical evidence that would lead anyone to conclude that McCain can win.

The problem with empirical evidence, however, is that it isn’t human. It’s set in its ways. The problem with the American people, of course, is that they are human, and set in their ways. Despite all the statistics, human beings still had to show up and play the Super Bowl. And what human beings do one minute can be entirely different from what they do the next. It’s in our nature. So when a team plays basically perfect football for an entire season and right through the practice before the game, they can still be entirely imperfect when the game starts. And when a person says they’re going to vote for a candidate for the past 7 months and are sure right up to walking into the polling booth, they can still change their mind. It’s an unavoidable inevitability, and it sucks.
      
So I guess what I’m trying to say is: feel good about your chances, because they are really good. But if it somehow doesn’t happen, don’t be upset, because there’s always next time. Unless your quarterback goes down with a season-ending injury, then I don’t know what the hell to tell you.